I’ve stopped reading past the headlines in most Onion articles. This one, though, is funny from start to finish.

A spokeswoman for Denise Richards blamed aggressive paparazzi for a run-in that prompted the Hollywood actress to toss a pair of laptops from a balcony, causing minor injuries to two elderly women …

Global TV reported Richards was filming a scene for the movie “Blonde and Blonder” when she allegedly confronted a photographer trying to take her picture. Richards threw the laptop computers off a balcony, hitting two elderly women sitting in the lobby below.

I used to work with a woman named Jennifer Suhayda (who actually, I would love to get in touch with her again … Jennifer, if you’re doing a random Google search on your name and you come across this post, please email me), and Jennifer thought that Denise Richards was the creepiest person in Hollywood. She said that if you specifically designed a robot to look like a starlet, Denise Richards is what you would design.

Ya know, I can understand getting pissed off at paparazzi, but how totally out-of-control do you have to be to toss two laptops off of a balcony with no regard to what’s going on down below? I want to know more about this story. A laptop is a fairly heavy piece of machinery. Did she grab one, toss it off the ledge, tag one old lady, and then throw the next? Or did she pick them both up at once and heave ‘em granny-style? Did she have one in each hand and fling ‘em like frisbees? Did she stand for awhile dangling the laptops over the ledge, saying, “I’m gonna do it … so help me God, I’m gonna do it” while the photographer frantically shook his head in terror?

And all of this, of course, is assuming that the laptops belonged to the photographer. The article isn’t clear. Maybe she was so freaked out by the photographer that she reached in her bag and started throwing shit willy-nilly. Or maybe she threw the photographer’s laptop and tagged the first old lady - it felt so good that she decided to toss her own laptop, too. No matter what happened, the moral of this story is perfectly clear: do not ever fuck with Denise Richards, or she will destroy both your computer and your grandmother.

(Thanks, Neatorama!)

These dudes are all about their daughters being virgins. Which is nuts, because when the tribe is looking to sacrifice someone to the volcano gods, who do they go after first? That’s right: the virgins. Obviously these gentlemen are more concerned with their daughters’ hymens than with the possibility that they could be boiled alive in lava.

(Thanks, Pandagon!)

Ed Bradley just died from leukemia. He was only 60. Who even knew he had leukemia? Bradley always seemed like a really nice guy to me. He wore an earring. I guess they won’t be interviewing black people on 60 Minutes anymore, because they always sent Bradley out to do that. It is a sad day for the news.

It all started with this thing, which was on Boingboing today:

My response was, ha! Nancy Pelosi, impeaching people and using the word “doodz!” And misspelling the word “your!” Hilarious! And I felt super hip for knowing about Boingboing and being at least tangentially related to the trendy blogosphere.

Come to find out that it’s a geek in-joke that is, apparently, way funnier if you know the history. This only a few weeks after Matt turned me onto the history of leetspeak, or 1337.

Just when you think you have this world pretty much figured out, some subculture will mix up a whole new brew of knowledge to make you realize you will never be cool.

My friend Matt just got done working on a special “Best of 2006” section for the Popular Science website. One of the technological awards went to this new electronic reader. The thing that immediately struck me about it was this:

Fill the slim Reader from Sony’s online store — each of the 10,000 available titles costs about 25 percent less than the hardcover — or load any other PDF or text file.

Only 25% less than a hardcover? So you remove the cover, the paper, and distribution costs-essentially every cost involved in a book-and it only knocks a couple bucks off the price? I can guarantee they aren’t passing those profits onto the authors. Writers should really just post their books themselves and charge $5 a pop. They’d make a killing.

According to the DCCC website, we just won the House.

Is there anyone less funny than the Capitol Steps?

From some website called Riehl World:

The Democrat Platform that isn’t there … save for the usual pandering with our tax dollars. I imagine they anticipate gridlock and will be happy to spend the time playing politics if they win the House. And the MSM will play right along. They’ve wanted to get Bush since 2000.

I’m always astounded when I see people with world views that are so shockingly different from mine. In this guy’s opinion, the MSM (a/k/a “mainstream media” for you non-political blog junkies) has been unusually tough on Bush. I don’t think he’s just saying that for shock value or whatever, he honestly believes that the newspapers and magazines and evening news programs of this country are out to get George Bush, and have been since 2000. In the world that I see, they have been unusually lax on him. So how can we ever find anything to agree on, if we see the world in such fundamentally different ways?

There has to be a reality, right? How do I know whose reality is correct, other than blind faith?