Of course, you are all wondering what I was into this year. And like a kindhearted grandpa with a bowl full of Pepto Bismol-flavored candies, I am here to give you what your greedy little goblin hearts desire.

Let’s start with music, shall we? And a caveat: the following list is partly bullshit. It’s bullshit, because I am a gentleman of not inconsiderable age (31) who realizes he is teetering on the age of irrelevance. There are plenty of bands that won acclaim in the year-end lists that I have not heard. I no longer have the inclination to seek out every band with a little buzz behind them and listen to their records obsessively until I am able to spew back large chunks of their lyrics and write meaningful paragraphs detailing their unique and powerful abilities to add something new to the long, repetitive history of three-chord pop songs. Many of these records, I haven’t even listened to more than three or four times apiece. Some of them were not even released this year.

Instead of calling these the 12 best albums of the year, let’s say they are the 12 albums that I either liked the most or fully intend to like the most, given the possibility that I will someday have the time to sit down and really enjoy them the way that God has intended. If you are willing to accept all of these conditions and are still interested in my opinion, then please, read on.

12. Animal Collective - Feels: You see how it is? Right off the bat, I’m hitting you with a record that was not even released this year. This one came out in 2005. I bought it in 2005, but I really didn’t get into it until this year. Unlike some of the others on the list, I have actually listened to this a number of times. For the first 6 months of our move to LA, it was the go-to disc in my CD player when I needed something that everyone could groove to, without too many highs or lows or annoying screechy tracks that would distract a house guest in the middle of a conversation.

For those of you who look upon me as your window into youth culture (may God help you), let me explain a little something about this band. Animal Collective consists of four guys with stupid names (Avey Tare, Panda Bear, Geologist, and Deaken) who like to dress up like animals and jam until something resembling a melody comes out. They are part of a neo-hippie movement that’s happening in music right now, created by people too young to remember that hippies aren’t cool. If you live in New York or Los Angeles, you cannot turn around without encountering some full-bearded psychedelic-freak-greaseball who name-drops forgotten folk artists like Vashti Bunyan and Bill Fay in the same way that people my age once geeked out on Big Star and, uh, Big Star. It is somewhat sad to see that we are living through the worst political era most of us have ever seen and the only thing the kids are bringing back are an aversion to showering and an affinity for the sitar.

With all that having been said, Feels stands on its own as fascinating music whether you’re a part of the scene or not. Bonus: it is completely inoffensive for old people.

11. We Are Scientists - With Love and Squalor: I feel a little odd putting these guys on my best of list. My ex-girlfriend, Becky, is an old friend of their drummer, Michael. The first time I went over to Becky’s place, she pointed to a We Are Scientists sticker and said, “this is my friend’s band. They’re really good.” It seems like everyone has a friend who’s in a “really good band” in New York, so I took it with a grain of salt.

When I finally saw them play, I realized how really good they are. I started reading their website, which is pretty routinely hilarious. For about a year, Becky and I went to every show they played. They played at the first Contemporary Press party, and then at the last party before I left for LA.

The guys in the band are all super nice, but we never really got to the point where I would call any of them up to hang out. They worked their asses off, and they eventually got signed to Virgin records.

The last contact I had with them was when they’d just gotten back from a European tour which, apparently, made them pretty big stars in England. I was at the Alligator Lounge in Williamsburg with Kyle from Fabulous Entourage. I texted Michael, who was just around the corner with the guys from Bishop Allen. Yes, I pretty much hang with rockstars all the time. Michael wrote me back and said he might stop by, but either we left too early or he got hung up elsewhere.

I went to see them play out here awhile ago with the Spinto Band and Art Brut. They have a great stage presence. It was very strange seeing a band I’ve seen play in tiny clubs with 10 people in the audience playing a huge venue filled with screaming teenage girls. They always seemed destined for bigger things. I will probably never see them again. This is sad, but inevitable, I suppose.

That being said, this album is pretty much one hit after another. I would love it even if I didn’t have star-fucking stories to tell about my Close Personal Friendship with its creators.

10. Mates of State - Bring It Back: I have no personal friendship stories to tell about Mates of State. I’m just a fan of this band. They are a husband and wife team - male drummer/singer, female keyboardist/singer. Their melody lines sound like they write them independently of one another and then sing them at the same time and hope it sounds good. They write some of the catchiest songs I think I’ve ever heard, and they’re amazing live. The slow song on this record, “Nature and the Wreck,” is a number one song in an alternate universe where smart pop music isn’t considered weird.

9. The Hold Steady - Boys and Girls in America: This one might turn out to have a longer staying power than some of the other records on the list, but I didn’t get it until a few weeks ago and I haven’t really had the chance to appreciate it as well as I have some of the other records on here. The Hold Steady sound like Bruce Springsteen and Bob Seger jamming with the lead singer of The Pursuit of Happiness. I realize this does not make their music sound the slightest bit attractive, but you have to just take my word for it on this one.

Their previous album got raves, but I wasn’t crazy about it. I liked the music, but the lead singer did this spoken word thing that kind of killed the songs for me. I gave this one a shot because I heard he actually sings. Well, kinda. He has one of the voices where you can’t really tell if he’s singing or not. In his head, he’s singing, but to your ears, it sounds like rhythmic talking. Still, it definitely has more of a verse/chorus/verse feel than their last album, and that’s enough for me. This is the kind of music you would hear your Dad playing on a road trip and you would think, “I’m glad we’re not listening to the Eagles.”

8. Various Artists - The Now Sound Redesigned: This is another 2005 record that I didn’t fully appreciate until this year. The Free Design were a folk group composed of siblings Chris, Bruce, Ellen, and Sandy Dedrick. They released a handful of commercially unsuccessful albums in the late 60s and early 70s which somehow went on to become cult favorites among hip-hop artists. On The Now Sound Redesigned, a bunch of these artists get together to remix and rerecord their songs, and the result is pretty much the only remix album I’ve ever liked.

7. Sparks - Everything They’ve Ever Recorded: Last year, I saw a couple of Sparks videos on a great New York public access video show called New York Noise. I had never heard of the group, but I loved the songs. Sadly, they are one of those bands whose albums are never on sale anywhere, so I never picked anything up.

A few months ago, Sonny asked me if I knew about them and I related this story to him. He burned me a couple of discs and I was blown away. I went and picked up pretty much everything they’ve released. Sparks, it turns out, is an LA band composed of two brothers that has been releasing records since 1971 to very little fanfare. You might know a couple of their cuts that appeared on the Valley Girl soundtrack (”Eaten By the Monster of Love” and “Angst in My Pants”), but it is doubtful that you have ever heard anything else by them, unless you’re already a fan. They’ve pretty steadily been releasing albums every couple of years for over 30 years, and so far, there hasn’t been a bad one in the bunch. They were supposedly a big influence on Queen, and while they do have a little bit of the tongue-in-cheek “majesty of rock” feel to them, they are much more of a keyboard-based band.

You remember back when you first learned that Harry Nilsson was supposed to be a great songwriter, and you got all pumped up and bought Nilsson Schmilson, only to discover that it contained that totally unbearable song about putting the lime in the coconut? Sparks’ music is what you had hoped Nilsson would sound like.

6. Fabulous Entourage - Play Nice Now: I swear to you, I am not just choosing these records because they’re by my friends. I’ve had plenty of friends who’ve made music that’s positively awful and should not be heard by anyone, ever.

The Fabulous Entourage were started by my friends Kyle Jarrow & Travis Chamberlain. I went to see them a few times when they were just a two-piece; Kyle on keyboards & Travis on bass, both on vocals. They had good songs but they were not yet the awesome pop spectacle that they have since become. Now, they are a 5 piece - Kyle, Travis, Perry Silver on drums, and Pamela Quinn & Libby Winters on backing vocals. They put on an amazing live show and inspire much fan devotion. Their album is filled with one great pop single after another. You really have no excuse for not buying it immediately.

5. The Decemberists - The Crane Wife: Jesus Christ, is this thing almost done? I’ve been typing forever. I’m sure you already know plenty about the damn Decemberists because I think they’re like the most popular band in America or something. The one thing I will say about them is that I saw them at Warsaw in Brooklyn last year and they got everyone in the audience to sit down on the floor during one of their songs. It was pretty impressive.

4. Bishop Allen EPs: This year, Bishop Allen, another Brooklyn band, has been releasing one 4-song EP every month. These EPs contain an astonishing number of amazing songs. Like, all of them. I don’t know why I haven’t read anything about this project, or how a band like Tapes n’ Tapes can get insane amounts of hype while Bishop Allen coasts along under the radar. I don’t know how the world works. Someday, they will be recognized for this wonderful collection of music they have brought to the world. I suspect this will happen when some indie-label puts out the entire collection as a triple CD set. You know what they say: “there’s no future in EPs.” I don’t actually know anyone who says this.

3. Tom Waits - Orphans: Brawlers, Bawlers, & Bastards: I go back and forth with Tom Waits. I love a lot of his stuff, but some of the more growly tunes get to be a little much when listened to in succession. The last record of his I really got into was Bone Machine, and I don’t really think that compares to Rain Dogs or some of the earlier stuff.

This record is, I think, the best thing he’s put out since Rain Dogs. It originally started life as a B-sides collection, but Tom apparently wanted it to have a little more consistency, so he rerecorded songs and wrote all new material. There are 3 discs - Brawlers, which is mostly bluesy songs, Bawlers (my personal favorite) which is all ballads, and Bastards, which is weird stuff. It’s hard to give a real honest opinion of this set because there’s so damn much of it. I have listened to all of the discs several times, and each time, another track stands out. I would suggest to Mr. Waits that he consider succumbing to alcohol poisoning, because this is how I would like to remember him.

2. Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins - Rabbit Fur Coat: I am absolutely incapable of listening to this album objectively, so please don’t write to tell me why she sucks. Jenny Lewis is a super-cute former child star (Troop Beverly Hills) and hipster crush, and for this reason, a lot of people hate her. She is the front woman for Rilo Kiley whom I’ve never heard, even though my ex-girlfriend Valerie was into them like forever ago and she burned me one of their CDs which, incidentally, didn’t work.

This album is a country album, which, I know, I’m totally sick of country side-projects, too. The difference here is that while most country side-projects tend toward bluegrass or roots music, this album sounds like 70s pop-country, a la “Harper Valley PTA”. The lyrics are super straightforward and maybe even bad at times, I can’t tell. She includes a cover of the Traveling Wilbury’s “Handle with Care” which has been lauded and despised in equal measures by the hipster community. I don’t know why I love this album so much, and like I say, I am completely unprepared to defend it. It sounds good to me. That’s all.

1. The Sounds - Dying to Say This to You: I have no idea what’s wrong with this world sometimes. This is probably the greatest pop album of the last 5 years, and I haven’t seen it on a single Best Of list. The Sounds are a Swedish band who write songs so freaking catchy they make you want to smash your fist through the stereo with glee. If they were more popular, they are the sort of band that would be considered a guilty pleasure, but since no one really listens to them, I can proudly proclaim my love.

I think maybe because they use keyboards and drum machines, they’ve sort of been lumped into the 80s revival scene and ignored. Although, is there such a thing as 80s revival anymore? It seemed like a novelty at first, but now it just seems like the 80s keyboard sound has become just another tool in the musical universe. I don’t know.

I’ve never seen this band live. They’re fronted by a woman, Maja Ivarrson, whose voice is dripping with personality. I don’t know what they look like and I don’t know if I want to. I assume she’s unbelievably gorgeous and I don’t want to be proven wrong. It’s like reading a book and then finding out that Tom Hanks is playing the main character. The way this chick says, “I’ve seen your fucking attitude” makes me goose pimply. I will always have fond memories of driving back from a night at the Dresden with Sarah and her dad, listening to this record cranked up to 11. In a year filled with enormous changes, this record was pretty much the rock that kept me going.

That’s it. I’m done. Now I never want to write anything about music ever again.

Coming up next: Movies!