It is official: Juiceboxxx is the best thing that ever was.

I’m looking for a wedding band right now, and it’s a dismal affair. Not because there are no bands to choose from, but because EVERY WICKED COOL BAND NAME I’ve ever thought of is already taken! For the rest of you, please note that you can no longer give your band any of the following names, unless you want to be sued:

• RamFunkShus
• Soulicious
• The Funky Hipeez
• Kaos
• Phazze One! (who are described as a “unique and classy band”)
• Breez’n

. . . and my personal favorite:

• Mr. Bob and the Soul Collectors

My guess is that they originally tried to hit the wedding circuit under the name Soul Collectors but quickly found that people weren’t too keen on hiring a bunch of Satanists to play their wedding. Worried about the potential loss of income (not to mention the lack of souls to collect), they invited their wacky neighbor Mr. Bob to join the show, thus putting a goofy spin on their reign of evil and carnage.

Federal prosecutors are seeking a gag order on DC-based Madam Deborah Palfrey who was busted for “money laundering”:

. . . government lawyers claim that some discovery documents contain “personal information” about Palfrey’s former johns and prostitutes that is “sensitive.”

As soon as I read that, I thought, “this is a case for JeffreyDinsmore.com, facilitator of valuable political information-learning!” I got on the phone with some of my friends in the prostitution biz, and an hour later, I had this super-secret extra sensitive document that I will now present to you.

Good prostitutes, as we all know, take extensive notes on their repeat clients so that they can be recognized by newly turned-out hoes. Below is an explosive bulleted list of these notes, taken directly from Palfrey’s notebook, which proves that this scandal has poked its moist tentacles into the upper-reaches of our government:

• Dennis Hastert: Fat. Pasty. Grimacey.
• Barack Obama: Inexperienced, but well-intentioned.
• George Bush: Not bright. Likes to play “horsey.”
• Dick Cheney: Old. Terrifying. Make no sudden movements. His eyes are equipped with flesh-disintegrating laser beams.
• Clarence Thomas: Will put his pubels (sic) on your Coca-Cola.

Someone call The Capitol Steps! This shit is priceless!

In my opinion … and before I begin let me stress that this is only an opinion. I wouldn’t want anyone to regurgitate this as though it’s a die hard fact, because people will disagree with you. For me, this is a truism, but I’m sure there are plenty of people who would feel otherwise. Personally, I can’t comprehend that sort of person. It is not my place here, however, to try to understand those who share a different opinion than me; rather, I am simply here to present to you a piece of information that is, let me say it again, my opinion, and not a truism that should be repeated as fact. I apologize for all of the caveats, but I feel I do have a responsibility to qualify my remarks. That being said, what I’m trying to get at here, is that, in my opinion … and only my opinion … deviled eggs are the treat that can’t be beat!

GWB’s ever-impressive sense of diplomacy:

On December 9, 2002, members of Washington’s governing class gathered in the new Ronald Reagan Building and International Trade Center to mark the tenth anniversary of the completion of the NAFTA negotiations. The morning speakers were the three who had forged the deal—George H.W. Bush, Carlos Salinas, and Brian Mulroney…

Now, celebrating among friends, the three ex-leaders argued that history had vindicated them. Bush said that NAFTA had created millions of good jobs in the United States. He dismissed critics as parochial, lawless, and anarchist. He brought the mainly male house down with a story of how, while being driven past a group of antiglobalization demonstrators, he was confronted by “a, frankly, unattractive woman—I think ‘ugly’ was a good word.” She carried a sign that said “Stay out of my womb.” Bush deadpanned, “Looked over and said, no problem, just—none at all.”

. . . Okay, I know I should hate this, but it’s actually kinda funny.

(Thanks, Tom Tomorrow!)

Note: I had this whole thing where I was going to do a bunch of “best of” lists at the end of 2006. I know, it’s an extremely novel idea which I am in the process of patenting. I never finished this project, however, and I have had this damned post sitting on my server, waiting to be posted since December. I am tired of it being there, so I am now putting it up for your enjoyment. Here we go:

Before last week, I was prepared to write off 2006 as a terrible year for films. Then, out of the blue, I was blindsided by a movie that may rank among the best films I’ve ever seen. A few days after that, I saw a film by one of my favorite directors that restored my faith in the artistry of film. Although I was not excited by a lot of movies this year, the films that made it to the top were extremely impressive. The undisputed best films I saw this year are, as follows:

10. The White Diamond - This movie holds the dubious 10th place position only because it was actually released in 2004. If I had seen it when it came out, it might have taken the top position for the year. It’s a really extraordinary documentary by Werner Herzog, the guy who directed Grizzly Man and a bunch of other films that I haven’t seen but I pretend I know something about because film buffs are supposed to know about them, i.e. Aguirre, the Wrath of God and Fitzcarraldo.

The White Diamond is a documentary about an expedition taken to Guyana by Dr. Graham Dorrington, in which Dr. Dorrington uses a hot-air balloon to explore the canopy of a rain forest. Dr. Dorrington is as fascinating a character as Timothy Treadwell from Grizzly Man, only slightly less totally insane. Herzog begins the film by discussing the history of zeppelins, making the claim that the Hindenburg disaster killed the idea of gas-powered airships despite their legitimate advantages over airplanes. It’s an interesting thought … why are airplanes the only option for air travel when there’s another technology that works just as well, if not better? This point is pretty much abandoned after the first 10 minutes, but it’s an idea that really stuck with me.

What I really love about the three Herzog documentaries I’ve seen (My Best Fiend is the third–a fascinating film in its own right) is the way he includes himself and the filming of the documentary into the movie. As a director, he seems open to follow whatever interesting story might come along during the course of filming. He never lets the viewer forget that he is watching a filmed version of events, yet he doesn’t necessarily seem to be inventing anything. He creates a very strange, intriguing, and often hilarious sense of reality. I’ve heard complaints from people who’ve watched Grizzly Man that it “seems fake.” It definitely does, but I would argue that that’s exactly what Herzog was trying to achieve. The White Diamond has the same strange feeling of unreality, but it’s completely fascinating from start to finish.

Note: This is as far as I got in my original post. Do you see why I didn’t want to continue? That’s a lot of pressure, describing every movie I saw this year in that kind of detail. I can barely remember what I ate for breakfast this morning. (more…)

I had to embed this one because it’s just too good and I wouldn’t want anyone to miss it.

(Thanks, Salon!)

My sister Mandy and her husband Mark are trying to teach their 2 year-old daughter, Lexi, how to sleep in a big kids’ bed. I don’t question their determination, but I do question their sanity. Mark talks about the experience on his blog (my family is very modern … instead of talking, we just blog at each other):

I went upstairs to see how it was going and just in time…Mandy was getting tired of dealing with the girl. I take a different approach and lay down on the bed with her. She’s good for about 10 seconds, then she reaches over, grabs my nose and says, “Honk honk”. It’s very hard not to laugh when you know you shouldn’t encourage her.

On that note, my sister commented awhile ago that the only picture I’ve posted of my nephew is one in which he bears an uncanny resemblance to Winston Churchill. He is starting to fill out in his old age, and she suggested that I update the pictures for the three people who read my blog and may be interested in looking at pictures of adorable children who in no way resemble fat, alcoholic former Prime Ministers.

Noah.

For good measure, here’s Lexi. I believe her t-shirt reads “I’m the kitty. Meeeoowww.”

Name all 50 states in 10 minutes. Go!

(Thanks, Neatorama!)

My friend Will Carlough, drummer for the infinitely awesome Hazzards, wrote and directed this hilarious short film starring Justin Long & Sam Rockwell. Yes, I am friends with people who know famous people. Yes, it makes me better than you.