There’s a country in Europe called Andorra. It’s not one of those fake countries they made up after a war, either. It’s been independent since 1278. According to the Wikipedia entry, it was annexed to the Crown of Aragon in 1396 and 1512. After the great Troll War of 1514, however, it reclaimed its independence, and today it is a prosperous exporter of pan-flutes, gryphon juice, and beard extensions for field gnomes.

Today Slate has an article about the movie Meet the Spartans. It was made by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, who also did the Scary Movie series and some other similar piles of crap. I saw the first Scary Movie and thought it was painful. Apparently, they’ve only gotten worse. This quote cracked me up:

Friedberg and Seltzer do not practice the same craft as P.T. Anderson, David Cronenberg, Michael Bay, Kevin Costner, the Zucker Brothers, the Wayans Brothers, Uwe Boll, any dad who takes shaky home movies on a camping trip, or a bear who turns on a video camera by accident while trying to eat it.

My fine adopted state of California has raised a stiff middle finger to the rest of the country with this, the brilliant and much-needed 24 hour marijuana vending machine. It is official: every last need I could possibly have is now covered.

I have a few friends who have prescriptions for medical marijuana, all of whom are in perfect health (except for chronic coughs caused by smoking medical marijuana). Ironically, I had another friend who had cancer. That’s not the ironic part. The ironic part is that he went to his doctor because he was having trouble eating. The doctor tried to prescribe some crazy caplet that listed “long-lasting hallucinations” and “intense diarrhea” as possible side effects. He called me to ask if I knew anything about it … I guess because he fancied me some kind of drug expert. Don’t ask me what I’ve done to earn this reputation. I said it looked scary and he should just get a prescription for marijuana … after all, they legalized it for people who were in his exact situation, right?

The next day, he went back to his doctor and asked for the prescription. The doctor refused. He would rather have had my friend take this radioactive death-pill than smoke a little herb. The reason, of course, is that the federal government could potentially bust him for prescribing marijuana, since federal law trumps state law — whenever the government feels like enforcing it, that is. They generally don’t concern themselves when state laws are more conservative than federal laws. (Warning: I do not have any examples, and so this last statement should never be repeated to anyone who actually knows what he or she is talking about.)

Okay, so this doctor referred him to another doctor. The second doctor responded to my friend’s request by saying, “don’t you know someone who could get it for you?” After this, he gave up on the legitimate medical community and finally went to see one of the doctors who advertises in the back of LA Weekly with ads that look like this:

(I wonder if this has any medical legitimacy? Are there musician-only diseases? Is that some kind of code for syphilis?)

… or this …

(It’s funny: my doctor has a picture of himself in his office wearing this exact same outfit. Does that have something to do with the Hippocratic oath?)

So anyway, my friend went to one of these back-alley doctors, paid him $200, got his prescription, and right away, his appetite returned. So, the results of our experiment teach us this: marijuana works as medicine. And my friend, who had cancer, could not get it. I really don’t know what argument you could raise that would convince me it should continue to be illegal. To me, one’s position on legalized marijuana is pretty much the dividing line between rational and irrational.

I saw Juno over Christmas. I did not like it. I am apparently in the minority. The film has just grossed over $100 million, which is unheard of for indie films. Even Little Miss Sunshine did not make that kind of money. So my question is — why? Why do people love this movie so much? Did anyone see it? I did not find any of the dialogue particularly clever. I did not care about the relationship between Juno and the Michael Cera character. I cringed anytime any of the characters discussed music or movies. A sampling of what the dialogue was like, for those who haven’t seen it:

Jason Bateman: I think the best time for music was in the ’90s when bands like Alice in Chains and Green River typified the grunge movement from Seattle where people wore plaid shirts and drank coffee and there was grunge.

Juno: Are you kidding? I’m the most precocious 16 year old on the planet and I know that the best time for music was in 1979 and the No Wave movement and Glenn Branca and the drummer in Blondie was named Clement Burke.

Jason Bateman: You’re out of your mind if you think that! Did you know that Mudhoney’s breakthrough 1991 album Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge was typical of the grunge movement from Seattle and it was engineered by Conrad Uno and released on July 26th?

Juno: Iggy and the motherfuckin’ Stooges, budonkadonk LOL.

Jason Bateman: May I feel your boobies?

Sarah, my dad, and I were trashing the movie when we left the theater and my mom defended it — “oh, c’mon,” she said. “It was just a cute, small movie.” Which, I would be willing to give it to someone who felt that way about it. It was just a cute, small movie is probably the right attitude for watching Juno. I was expecting cute, funny movie, so I was disappointed. But I think most audiences do not see it as just a cute, small movie … I think they see it as a heartwarming festival of laughs. The parts where Juno was speaking like a 29 year-old bad writer (i.e., pretty much everything out of her mouth)? I think a lot of people aspire to talk like that. They wish they knew how to sound that pretentious.

I dunno. I don’t get it. I do know this: here’s an article about the Juno backlash that is every bit as annoying as the film. The article is written by someone who liked the movie but doesn’t want to like it anymore because it’s up for an Oscar against serious movies like No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood. There is no place for me in this fight. It seems like in America you either love Juno for the wrong reasons or hate it for the wrong reasons. I, on the other hand, disliked it for exactly the right reasons. I win!

I don’t know what to say about Heath Ledger’s death. He’s one of the few celebrities I didn’t know personally. He seemed like an all right guy, though, and I’m looking forward to seeing him play the Joker. I will say this: it must really suck to be related to a dead celebrity. There are videos all over the internet of his body bag being carried out of his apartment. I can’t imagine why someone would want to watch a video of a random, unidentified body bag on a stretcher. And also, bad writers are allowed to eulogize you:

The cause of Heath Ledger’s death, at age 28, on Jan. 22 is still unknown, but the circumstances — naked, near pills — paint a tragic last picture of a man who had an uncanny talent for playing tragic people.

Near pills! That’s brilliant. The last time I checked, it was ok to be naked in your own apartment and to be in the vicinity of pills. Especially if he had pneumonia, as some reports have said. Thank God I will never be famous enough for anyone to care how I sleep. Chances are they’ll find me clutching my stuffed monkey. “Naked and near monkey,” the police report will read.

There’s a new video out of Amy Winehouse smoking crack. It’s about time! I feel like I’ve been waiting for ages!

I’m constantly amazed by the number of scandalous videos of celebrities in the world. You would be hard-pressed to find private video of me doing anything over the last few years, let alone anything scandalous. Are celebrities constantly hanging out and videotaping each other? And then do they get together and watch those videos? “Hey, where’s that crack smoking video we made? I’d like to see that.”

The only reason I’m writing this is because Ginnie (Ginny?) yelled at me in my last post, which was written over a month ago. I think an average of one post a month is pretty good, especially when the posts are of such high quality. I’ve been working on a new project that I will write about soon. All I have to say right now is that if you live in New York, clear your calender for the night of February 11th.

I went to see Cornelius the other night. It was a great show. I can’t write about it because I don’t know how to describe concerts. There was a band, and they played songs, and they sounded and looked good. That’s not the point. I was on iTunes today and saw that Cornelius had a new album. I checked it out. Turns out it’s a remix album. I was reading the customer reviews on the record, of which there are currently 8, and it seemed as though the people who downloaded the album had no idea what they were getting into. Which, why would you download an album if you’d never heard anything about it? 8 people, and not a single one of them had ever heard of the artist they spent $7.99 to download. That still is not the point. The point is that this two star critique by “caution_rocker_chickie” is genius:

This album seems to be a little bit too original for it’s times. Kudos on originality, but it’s not really practical for this day and age.

Her name does not lie. She is a caution rocker chickie, through and through. I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt and think that she didn’t misuse words, that she meant exactly what she said … original music simply is not practical. I don’t know what kind of music is practical, necessarily, but I absolutely agree with her that if it’s practical, it probably is not original. And for this day and age! That’s the part that kills me. Maybe in the future we’ll have a time when originality will become practical, but the world just isn’t ready for it today.

I dug up some of caution_rocker_chickie’s other reviews to see if she had any good suggestions of music that might be a little more practical to listen to than Cornelius. Here are some albums that caution_rocker_chickie (who is listed alternatively as Michelle and Michi) really enjoys, and I think we can all agree that actually, they are quite practical:

Cut and Move by Day of Fire: I have no idea who this is. Caution says “It’s about time someone recaptured the meaning of true rock and roll.” I’m going to have to check this out, because I’ve been thinking the same. I wasn’t aware that Day of Fire was out there recapturing that meaning; I thought perhaps it had escaped forever. What’s more, the CD can be purchased on iTunes for only $9.90, a $.09 discount from regular prices.

Get There by Transition: Again, no clue who this is. She recommends it because she loves “how clear the singers voice is, and the overall beat is great.” Clarity of voice is a very practical thing to look for in music.

A Boy Named Goo by the Goo Goo Dolls: This could be the very definition of practical music.

Collective Soul by Collective Soul: Slightly impractical in that it costs $9.99 and is worth less than the cost of the packaging, but that’s just semantics.

7even Year Itch - Greatest Hits 1994-2001 by Collective Soul: She “used to sit around and listen to this CD for HOURS with [her] mom while she watched [her] while [her] dad was at work.” Her dad worked … a possible clue to caution_rocker_chickie’s true identity? Anyone have any guesses? Also: I must point out the number 7 does not look very much like the letter S.

Super Hits by Blue Oyster Cult: I don’t know how to do umlauts, but please note that they belong over the O. All I can say about this choice is: wow. Her review is great, although only 0 out of 1 listeners found it helpful. (Make that 1 out of 2 … I just gave her a little vote for the hard work she’s put in.) If there’s one thing that gets Michi upset, it’s the lack of attention that is paid to the Oysterz (as they’re known in the practical rock community). “Personally,” she says, “I think its sad how only 3 people commented on this. This is clearly a sign that people these days just dont know good music when they hear it [...] This is pretty much the CD of all the classics. even if you wern’t living during the age of good rock ‘n roll, doesnt mean you cant support it and listen to the truely good songs… this is an amazing CD for anyone.” She’s also a big fan of the Oysterz album Secret Treaties, although she expresses concern that “not many people these days really know who they are or what they did for the world or rock.” I am 99% sure that what that means to her has something to do with cowbells. The album Blue Oyster Cult is another fave, and one that is embraced by Michi as “truely the best part of musical history … Blue Oyster Cult.” She repeats the name again in case you were confused by which artist released the Blue Oyster Cult album entitled Blue Oyster Cult.

We already know she wasn’t crazy about Cornelius, but what else didn’t she like? Amy Winehouse, for one. she “honestly hate[s] this album, and the singer with a passion.” Why? Because “This chick is a disrespectful dike.” I couldn’t agree more. “If you want GOOD music, you’re in the wrong place.” I continue the thought … “because this is a different place, a place where music is BAD. Go to another place, not here.” It’s interesting to note that 7 out of 29 people actually found this review helpful.

And finally, the Fray’s (again: who?) remake of John Lennons’s “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)”. And here she finally admits it to us: “ok personally, I dont think this song meets up to my music standards. Which, really arent too high.”