Conventional wisdom has become that Hillary won Texas and Ohio because of her 3 AM ad. The ad talked about a situation in the White House in which some kind of crisis was unfolding at 3 AM, and implied that Hillary would be a better person to answer the phone at that time of day. First of all, I don’t know how they determine that this ad, in particular, swayed a lot of voters. Second of all, if you were swayed by this ad, you are a complete moron. “I was going to vote for Barack, but then I thought about him waking up at 3 o’ clock in the morning and having to make a decision about something and I determined that Hillary would be better at doing that.” How does that make any sense? What proof have we seen that Hillary Clinton is better at solving problems in the middle of the night?

I know, the time of day wasn’t really the point. The point was that she’s met a bunch of scary Muslim leaders and therefore she’d be better at dealing with them if they decided to bomb us than Obama. I guess because they didn’t allow Obama to meet anyone from other countries when he was in the Senate, and women have traditionally received a lot of respect from Middle Eastern rulers.

My entire office building smells like shampoo right now and it’s driving me bonkers.

I’m writing a spelling book for kids right now, in case anyone wonders why I haven’t been in better touch. It’s a 250 page book in which my advice basically boils down to this: memorize the order of the letters in words. How much more can you say about spelling?

Here are some recent film recommendations to fill your time while you’re anxiously awaiting my return:

Chalk: Mockumentary about new high school teachers. They shot the film over 3 weeks in a Texas school using the kids who really went to the school. My dad watched it and said, “Ya know, that was probably fine for a small budget film, but it really wasn’t a very good movie.” So take your chances with this one.

The King of Kong: Documentary about a guy trying to beat the high score on Donkey Kong and the unbelievable amount of trouble he has to go through to be recognized. This one’s a crowd-pleaser … I don’t need to attach any caveats.

Pennies from Heaven: Bizarre musical from the 80s starring Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters. Excellent dancing.

Smiley Face: Stoner flick. I could not stop laughing, but I would only recommend it for people who think marijuana-instilled paranoia is really hilarious.

Wild Zero: Japanese rock and roll zombie movie that puts Rock n’ Roll High School to shame. You must have a high tolerance for camp to appreciate it.