The guy who rang me up at Subway was wearing a bracelet that read “Meth Free.” That explains why he was so freaking slow. (Rim shot.)

Ya’ know, I realize that we’re in the grips of a crystal meth “epidemic,” but I really can’t condone wearing a bracelet to tell the world that you’re not into something. There are a million things I’m not into, but you don’t see me advertising them on my wrist. Maybe I should get a bracelet that says “Chlamydia Free” or “Juno Free”.

Most likely, the only person who would wear a bracelet that said “Meth Free” would be someone who was once “Meth Full.” If that’s the case, I would much rather he wore a bracelet that read “Former Meth Addict.” A person who wears a bracelet that says “Meth Free” expects people to say, “hey, good job on not doing meth!” When what they should be saying, if he were honest, is “hey, why did you ever try meth in the first place, you egocentric retard?” It’s like expecting people to be impressed that you have the ability to deny your basest impulses.

Well, at no time today did I take off my clothes and fondle myself in public, so I think I am equally deserving of praise. Maybe if I had told the “Meth Free” guy this he would have thrown in a free cookie.