I’ve been living in Los Angeles for about 2 1/2 years now, after spending 8 years in New York City. At first, the switch was dramatic. New York has exactly 3 days of pleasant weather every year, while LA has 3 days of unpleasant weather. New York has naked cowboys harassing tourists in Times Square, while LA has people in frighteningly homemade-looking superhero costumes harassing tourists in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater. New York has Puerto Ricans, while LA has Armenians. And so on.

As I’ve settled in, I’ve discovered a few things about LA that only become clear to people who have spent a lot of time here. If you ever make it out here for a visit, please print this guide out; it just may save your life.

1. There is no good time to go to Trader Joe’s. Trader Joe’s is a West Coast-based grocery store chain that feels like a food co-op gone corporate. Its employees are mainly twenty-something hipsters who wear Hawaiian shirts and often look like they’ve cut their own hair with garden shears — but in a fashionable way.

Outsiders often make the mistake of assuming that Trader Joe’s is a high-end, expensive grocery store, in the same league as Whole Foods. This is a mistake. Trader Joe’s products actually tend to be cheaper than their name brand counterparts. If you do not live near a Trader Joe’s but you know something about the chain, it is that they carry an inexpensive brand of wine known as Charles Shaw, or “Two Buck Chuck” as it is know to out-of-state visitors who would like you to think they are not out-of-state visitors.

Trader Joe’s, at least the one in Los Feliz, where I live, is always busy. Because I’m a freelancer, I have often attempted to beat the rush by showing up at odd hours of the day. The parking lot is just as packed at 11:13 AM as it is at 5:30 PM. The aisles themselves are incredibly small and difficult to maneuver a grocery cart through, although, having come from New York, I’m pretty well accustomed to navigating impossibly tight spaces. If you need to go to Trader Joe’s and you find that it’s packed, take my advice and DO NOT leave the parking lot, thinking you’ll come back at a better time. Trust me, there is no better time.

2. People in Los Angeles have no standard of measurement for entertainment. In Los Angeles, you are either “being entertained” (watching a piece of entertainment) or “not being entertained” (not watching a piece of entertainment). It is impossible to watch a piece of entertainment and not be entertained.

For example, let’s say you go to see a mediocre movie, like Made of Honor or 27 Dresses. While you are in that theater, you will get the sensation from the crowd’s reaction that it is the most daring, original piece of entertainment that has ever been produced. People will be curled up in fetal balls of laughter. Complete strangers will smack you on the back in joy.

This actually happened when Sarah and I went to see Little Miss Sunshine. Now, I thought Little Miss Sunshine was okay, but the word I would use to describe it as “cute.” Judging from the reactions of the people surrounding us in the theater, the word they would have used to describe it is “revolutionary.” The woman next to Sarah, a complete unknown to us, grabbed Sarah’s arm at one point and, gasping for air, screamed “This is SO CRAZY!” If I didn’t know better, I would have assumed the audience was filled with cavemen who were just seeing moving pictures on a screen for the first time in their lives.

3. There are actually six different rush hours in Los Angeles. They are:

• The going to work rush. (6:30 AM - 10 AM)
• The going to lunch rush. (11 AM - 2 PM)
• The returning from lunch rush. (2:30 PM to 4 PM)
• The coming home from work rush. (4 PM to 8 PM)
• Saturday.
• Sunday.

If you must drive, your window of opportunity is Monday-Friday, 10-11 AM or 2-2:30 PM. Any other time, you’re better off walking.

4. People in Los Angeles are not flaky, they’re just extremely hopeful. In Los Angeles, people will say, “let’s get together for lunch sometime next week.” You are not a true Angeleno if you let reality cloud your response. Your response should be based on what would happen in an ideal world in which you had unlimited amounts of time and everyone loved everyone. So you say, “Yes! Let’s get together for lunch sometime next week.” You will not be held to it, and they will probably never call you, anyway. Everyone wins!

5. Everyone in LA has his or her own private monitoring helicopter that is constantly flying overhead, making sure everything’s kosher. At least, that’s the best explanation I can come up with for why helicopters seem to be flying around my neighborhood on a tighter schedule than subway trains.

6. Driving drunk is a terrible idea, but calling a cab is an even worse one.