I saw a preview for the new Mummy movie the other day. In it, Brendan Fraser is swatting at a bunch of flying mummy bugs or something and screaming “I … HATE … MUMMIES!!!” I’m wary of being too hyperbolic, but I’m pretty sure this movie will be the pinnacle of human achievement.
I’m just going to post this article in its entirety, because it’s the most important news that’s ever been heard by anyone and you must read it immediately.
FORMER NASA astronaut and moon-walker Dr Edgar Mitchell - a veteran of the Apollo 14 mission - has stunningly claimed aliens exist.And he says extra-terrestrials have visited Earth on several occasions - but the alien contact has been repeatedly covered up by governments for six decades.
Dr Mitchell, 77, said during a radio interview that sources at the space agency who had had contact with aliens described the beings as ‘little people who look strange to us.’
He said supposedly real-life ET’s were similar to the traditional image of a small frame, large eyes and head.
Chillingly, he claimed our technology is “not nearly as sophisticated” as theirs and “had they been hostile”, he warned “we would be been gone by now”.
Dr Mitchell, along with with Apollo 14 commander Alan Shepard, holds the record for the longest ever moon walk, at nine hours and 17 minutes following their 1971 mission.
“I happen to have been privileged enough to be in on the fact that we’ve been visited on this planet and the UFO phenomena is real,” Dr Mitchell said.
“It’s been well covered up by all our governments for the last 60 years or so, but slowly it’s leaked out and some of us have been privileged to have been briefed on some of it.
“I’ve been in military and intelligence circles, who know that beneath the surface of what has been public knowledge, yes - we have been visited. Reading the papers recently, it’s been happening quite a bit.”
Dr Mitchell, who has a Bachelor of Science degree in aeronautical engineering and a Doctor of Science degree in Aeronautics and Astronautics claimed Roswell was real and similar alien visits continue to be investigated.
He told the astonished Kerrang! radio host Nick Margerrison: “This is really starting to open up. I think we’re headed for real disclosure and some serious organisations are moving in that direction.”
Mr Margerrison said: “I thought I’d stumbled on some sort of astronaut humour but he was absolutely serious that aliens are definitely out there and there’s no debating it.”
Officials from NASA, however, were quick to play the comments down.
In a statement, a spokesman said: “NASA does not track UFOs. NASA is not involved in any sort of cover up about alien life on this planet or anywhere in the universe.
‘Dr Mitchell is a great American, but we do not share his opinions on this issue.’
I love that NASA considers the statement “we have made contacts with aliens” an “opinion.”
#1 - Didn’t we declare an end to Communism at one point? What part of it did we defeat, exactly?
#2 - Is John McCain still running for President?
#3 - Who are we at war with? It’s not Iraq, so it must be the people who are at war with Iraq. Is that really an army, or is it just a bunch of loosely affiliated people with guns? If so, can that really be called a war? And did we ever actually declare war, or did we just decide to call it that at some point?
#4 - When a program crashes in Windows (daily) and a message pops up reading “Windows is checking online for a solution,” does it ever find that solution? If so, will it tell you about it, or does it prefer to just keep the information to itself?
#5 - How are the two biggest mortgage firms in the U.S. called Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac? Are those nicknames? I can’t think of any other national organization with a first and last name.
And I’ll tell you why. For all intents and purposes, he is our president right now. He looks so damn presidential that I would bet a big percentage of the American public thinks the election already happened and Obama won. So when November rolls around, people are going to think, “what the Hell is this vote for? Isn’t he already our president?” and John McCain will win in a landslide. Nice job, Barack! Way to jump the gun!
Sometimes life sneaks up and surprises you when you least expect it. Last Wednesday I had to work from home because my Internet was down at the office. Basically, I sat on my couch for the whole day, trying to ignore the magical world wide web, which is constantly hypnotizing me with its powerful Siren wail. At the end of the day I was feeling unproductive and lazy and gross. So I said to myself, “you must take destiny into your own hands, me. You must do something you would not normally do, and you must do it now.”
What I did was play an open mic night. Now, back when I moved out to Los Angeles, one of my intentions was to get back into performing my music. I had developed a somewhat entertaining shtick in New York that I would drag out every now and again, but I really haven’t attempted to play my music for others in a very long time. Tonight, though, I was needing a new challenge, so I found an open mic night not far from my house and did my thing.
The next day, the venue called me and booked me for a show. This will be happening on Saturday, August 23rd, at 9:30 PM at the Pig n’ Whistle in Hollywood. I will be posting more info when the date becomes closer.
In the meantime, I’m leaping headfirst into the 20th Century. I’ve finally put up a new MySpace page with my music, which you can access right here. If you’re a MySpacer, please friend me and send my link to people who might get a kick out of it. And come see me on August 23rd! If this productive streak continues, I may very well be blowing your mind with some BRAND NEW MATERIAL.
I’ve been living in Los Angeles for about 2 1/2 years now, after spending 8 years in New York City. At first, the switch was dramatic. New York has exactly 3 days of pleasant weather every year, while LA has 3 days of unpleasant weather. New York has naked cowboys harassing tourists in Times Square, while LA has people in frighteningly homemade-looking superhero costumes harassing tourists in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater. New York has Puerto Ricans, while LA has Armenians. And so on.
As I’ve settled in, I’ve discovered a few things about LA that only become clear to people who have spent a lot of time here. If you ever make it out here for a visit, please print this guide out; it just may save your life.
1. There is no good time to go to Trader Joe’s. Trader Joe’s is a West Coast-based grocery store chain that feels like a food co-op gone corporate. Its employees are mainly twenty-something hipsters who wear Hawaiian shirts and often look like they’ve cut their own hair with garden shears — but in a fashionable way.
Outsiders often make the mistake of assuming that Trader Joe’s is a high-end, expensive grocery store, in the same league as Whole Foods. This is a mistake. Trader Joe’s products actually tend to be cheaper than their name brand counterparts. If you do not live near a Trader Joe’s but you know something about the chain, it is that they carry an inexpensive brand of wine known as Charles Shaw, or “Two Buck Chuck” as it is know to out-of-state visitors who would like you to think they are not out-of-state visitors.
Trader Joe’s, at least the one in Los Feliz, where I live, is always busy. Because I’m a freelancer, I have often attempted to beat the rush by showing up at odd hours of the day. The parking lot is just as packed at 11:13 AM as it is at 5:30 PM. The aisles themselves are incredibly small and difficult to maneuver a grocery cart through, although, having come from New York, I’m pretty well accustomed to navigating impossibly tight spaces. If you need to go to Trader Joe’s and you find that it’s packed, take my advice and DO NOT leave the parking lot, thinking you’ll come back at a better time. Trust me, there is no better time.
2. People in Los Angeles have no standard of measurement for entertainment. In Los Angeles, you are either “being entertained” (watching a piece of entertainment) or “not being entertained” (not watching a piece of entertainment). It is impossible to watch a piece of entertainment and not be entertained.
For example, let’s say you go to see a mediocre movie, like Made of Honor or 27 Dresses. While you are in that theater, you will get the sensation from the crowd’s reaction that it is the most daring, original piece of entertainment that has ever been produced. People will be curled up in fetal balls of laughter. Complete strangers will smack you on the back in joy.
This actually happened when Sarah and I went to see Little Miss Sunshine. Now, I thought Little Miss Sunshine was okay, but the word I would use to describe it as “cute.” Judging from the reactions of the people surrounding us in the theater, the word they would have used to describe it is “revolutionary.” The woman next to Sarah, a complete unknown to us, grabbed Sarah’s arm at one point and, gasping for air, screamed “This is SO CRAZY!” If I didn’t know better, I would have assumed the audience was filled with cavemen who were just seeing moving pictures on a screen for the first time in their lives.
3. There are actually six different rush hours in Los Angeles. They are:
If you must drive, your window of opportunity is Monday-Friday, 10-11 AM or 2-2:30 PM. Any other time, you’re better off walking.
4. People in Los Angeles are not flaky, they’re just extremely hopeful. In Los Angeles, people will say, “let’s get together for lunch sometime next week.” You are not a true Angeleno if you let reality cloud your response. Your response should be based on what would happen in an ideal world in which you had unlimited amounts of time and everyone loved everyone. So you say, “Yes! Let’s get together for lunch sometime next week.” You will not be held to it, and they will probably never call you, anyway. Everyone wins!
5. Everyone in LA has his or her own private monitoring helicopter that is constantly flying overhead, making sure everything’s kosher. At least, that’s the best explanation I can come up with for why helicopters seem to be flying around my neighborhood on a tighter schedule than subway trains.
6. Driving drunk is a terrible idea, but calling a cab is an even worse one.
So, I’m going to try a little experiment, and I’d love it if you, my friends, would help me out. I would like to get more traffic on my website. As you’ll see at the bottom of this post, I’ve added a little code that puts funky little icons at the bottom of all my blog posts. For those of you who aren’t in the know, these icons are your way of telling random Internet strangers that you enjoy what you’re reading. For instance, the icon on the far left leads to Digg, which is a site that compiles user submitted articles. If you like something I’ve written, please click on this button and send it to Digg in the hopes that others will come back to the site and read it, thus creating a snowball effect that will end in my complete mastery of time and space. If you do not like what you’ve read, please send me an email calling me a twat.
There are other little icons down there too, but I don’t really know what any of them mean. I’m sure they all link to awesome sites where nerds can turn other nerds on to nerdy inside jokes that will soon be turned into coffee table books. If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, feel free to click on the rest of the icons and see what happens. Chances are good they all lead to some kind of registration form.
A lot of people have been asking me lately: “Hey, Dinsmore! What do you think about this whole Obama New Yorker cover?” (Full disclosure: no one has asked me this question.)
Well, here’s my take on it. The New Yorker, of course, has the right to print any damn cover they please, and I would disagree that it’s either tasteless or offensive, as both of our presidential candidates have proclaimed. (Note: I would highly doubt that Obama actually felt offended and I can guarantee that McCain didn’t). If they painted Obama with a bone through his nose, dancing around a cauldron full of steaming babies, that I might agree is offensive, because that would reflect negatively on an entire race of people. This cover doesn’t play on racial stereotypes (unless somehow I missed the new stereotype that African-Americans are Muslim terrorists), it plays on the identity of the candidate himself, which is fair game for political cartoonists.
The question for me isn’t whether it’s offensive … the question is whether it’s funny, and that’s where I raise my objections. In order to be funny, a cartoon must have context. Now, as a right-wing cartoon, this is perfectly good satire. The message it sends is “ha-ha, Obama’s going to come into the White House and terrorize our country with his wicked, anti-American beliefs.” But dig this: the only thing about the cartoon that tell us it is poking fun at this attitude is the fact that it’s on the cover of New Yorker. This tells me that the New Yorker has such a high opinion of itself, it assumes everyone everywhere already knows its political viewpoints.
And that’s the part that offends me. That the editors of the New Yorker (and, to some extent, New Yorkers themselves) believe themselves to be so important that the only audience worth speaking to is the insular crowd that already understands their in-jokes. If you don’t get the joke, then you’re not cool enough to understand both the political context of the Obama-Muslim rumors and the meta-context that the New Yorker would never actually believe this. It is too complicated. And if you have to dig through that many levels to get to the heart of the joke, then the joke is not funny. As a learned scholar on humor, this is my decision, and it is final.
This is a lesson I had to learn the hard way. As I’ve mentioned before on my blog, I made a joke at my wedding that silenced the crowd. Sarah and I went up to thank everyone at the reception. I grabbed the microphone and said, “I’d like to thank you all for helping me to finally realize my dreams of starting my own baby factory.” Now, I will go to my grave thinking this was a pretty funny joke — and that a man who has just spent $30,000 dollars on a party has the right to make any joke he wants and receive at least feigned laughter in response. But it is only funny if you know me and know that I would never actually mean it. And a wedding, I learned, is not the best environment for irony. A gay wedding, maybe. Two men making that exact same joke at their wedding? It would kill. If I have any gay readers who are planning to get married soon, please, give it a spin and let me know how the crowd responds.
Google has started a new thing called Lively, which is their version of Second Life. I just signed up and created a room and an avatar. Supposedly I can embed it onto a web page. I’m going to attempt to do it below this message. If you see nothing, than I have failed.
Update: I just removed it. As the comment below implies, this thing is hella heavy.
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