There’s an older guy who works at our local Starbucks. Not old, but I would guess late 40s, early 50s. I always feel bad for him, ’cause he seems so out of place. His 25-year-old-and-under coworkers clearly just barely tolerate him. He seems to screw up a lot. And every time he opens his mouth, the kids kind of roll their eyes at each other. I always feel a little sorry for him, although I can see how he’d be a thoroughly obnoxious presence to work with on a regular basis. Whenever I’m at Starbucks, I try to pay attention to him because he’s a pretty fascinating character.

Anyway, I just passed him on the street. He was wearing over-sized, baggy shorts and a tank top, and he was walking with a kid who appeared to be about 17. His hair had been shaved into a mohawk, a la Travis Bickle.

Something very strange is going on here, and I intend to get to the bottom of it.

My oft-delayed, long-promised show is finally, shockingly, happening tomorrow at the Pig n’ Whistle in Hollywood. If you live in town and aren’t there, I will have no choice but to conclude that you is a sucker. I’m talking to you, Griffin Dunne.

Details:
Jeffrey D. rocks the Pig N’ Whistle
Saturday, August 30th
9:15-10:15 PM
6714 Hollywood Blvd.
$9

BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!

As a special bonus treat to all of you great friendlies who are kind enough to read my blog, I’ve posted a special sneak preview of the BRAND NEW SONG that I’m going to be playing tomorrow. This is the first non-wedding related song I’ve written in a long time, and I’m pretty excited about it. I wrote it because I have a lot of friends who are having kids lately, and my music tends to be a little on the dirty side. I thought they deserved a song that the whole family could enjoy together. So without further ado, I present to you:

Family Affair

Two of my friends have books coming out soon. I’ve read them both, and they’re both highly recommended. They’ve each put together trailers for their books that I’ve been meaning to post for awhile. And now I’m doing so.

First up is Mike Segretto’s Curse of the Tarantula. I love all of Mike’s work, and this could possibly be my favorite of his four books. The story of an aging monster-movie star who slowly starts to turn into his character is a great mix of campy comedy, over-the-top gore, and mod history. It frequently made me laugh out loud. It’s going to be released soon … I’ll let you know when it’s for sale.

Next is Tony O’ Neil’s Down and Out on the Murder Mile, coming in November from Harper Perennial. I breezed through this book in two days, which is very rare for me. It’s a highly engrossing read about Tony’s days as a heroin addict in Los Angeles. It’s also the sequel to Digging the Vein, Tony’s excellent memoir that he wrote for Contemporary Press. Don’t let the spooky videos fool you … it’s actually quite hilarious. Harrowing, but hilarious.

Buy both of these books, and then you can tell your friends, “I know this guy who’s friends with these other guys.” And they’ll look at you and say, “man, you must be famous.”

Putin accused America of provoking the Russian/Georgian conflict to get McCain elected. I read something about this a couple of weeks ago. It all started, if you’ll recall, about two weeks after Obama returned from his European power trip, and everyone was like, “clearly, McCain hasn’t got a chance, because Obama is the King of all Foreigners.” And then McCain was like, “whuuut? Watch me orchestrate this swift diplomatic resolution between Georgia and Russia.” And everyone in America, including me, was like, “I have no idea what’s going on in this conflict.”

I’m always impressed when newspapers include quotes from the Press Secretary as if they mean something. Dana Perino’s response to Putin’s allegations:

Dana Perino, a White House spokeswoman, said: “To suggest that the United States orchestrated this on behalf of a political candidate – it sounds not rational.

“Those claims first and foremost are patently false, but it also sounds like his defence officials who said they believed this to be true are giving him really bad advice.”

Can we just pretend the Press Secretary doesn’t exist from here on out? Her entire job is to deny. You could really program a robot to do this job with just a 1 and a 0.

1. “Look” — Obama is especially egregious at beginning his sentences with “Look,” as in — “Look, it’s going to take a lot of work to rebuild the country.” It sounds very patronizing and aggressive to me. The word “look” is shorthand for, “you’re too stupid to figure these things out, so I’m going to tell you how it is.”

2. “Folks” — why are people all “folks” now? I don’t want to be a folk. I want to be a person. I often feel like both parties are ignoring the needs of people like me so they can focus their pitch to the dumbest members of our society. Obama: you’re from Chicago by way of Hawaii. You never used the word “folks” in your life until you got involved in politics.

3. “We need a national dialogue.” — What the hell is a national dialogue? How does it start? Does it take place in a chat room? If so, I got news for you: I’ve been in chat rooms, and there is nothing worth reading in any of them. I would love to take part in a national dialogue, but I don’t seem to remember anyone in politics ever asking my opinion about anything. Instead, I am participating in a national monologue.

In other news, Harmon sent this video, which is pretty brilliant. I don’t think it really qualifies as a Rickroll unless Astley is up on screen, but I have definitely spent 3 minutes in less productive ways.

Behold the wonder that is Sexy People.

I had to bump this up from the comments because it was so brilliant. Earlier, I wrote a post pitching a movie called Prison Cup, about a bunch of prisoners who compete in the World Cup. Let’s say the U.S. team was killed in a plane accident and they needed to call in a ragtag bunch of cons to finish the job. I don’t know, we’ll make it work somehow. Anyway, McCarron took the time to make this brilliant poster:

Of course Jason Statham is the team captain. That just goes without saying. The inspired casting is Vin Diesel. I assume he’s in charge of the defense.

Check out the original poster here.

I was just looking for something on Amazon and the book LL Cool J’s Platinum Workout came up as a recommended title. I don’t know why, because I was searching for a video game. But check out this picture of LL on the front:

Jesus Christ! Look at that face! Is he like 65 years old? Something tells me LL’s platinum body did not come just from exercise …

I’m working from the Los Angeles Central Library today. It’s nice. Beautiful place. Just nice to get away sometimes from my normal office environment, to remind myself I can. Here’s my complaint (because there always has to be a complaint) … there’s a homeless guy sitting in a desk near me. He’s reading aloud to himself in a low, monotonous tone that comes across as a cross between a moan and mumble. He’s a real moambler. I feel like I’m sitting next to a zombie. I mean, really. I’m all for homeless literacy, but there should be a law against moaning in a public library.

The Moambler

Today the LA Times has a fascinating article about the horrible things Chinese athletes have to go through to become Olympians. Check this out:

The only mother on China’s team, Xian Dongmei, told reporters after she won her gold medal in judo that she had not seen her 18-month-old daughter in one year, monitoring the girl’s growth only by webcam. Another gold medalist, weightlifter Cao Lei, was kept in such seclusion training for the Olympics that she wasn’t told her mother was dying. She found out only after she had missed the funeral. … Chen Ruolin, a 15-year-old diver, was ordered to skip dinner for one year to keep her body sharp as a razor slicing into the water. The girl weighs 66 pounds.

When we were watching the Olympics, Sarah asked me if they made me feel patriotic. In a way, I think they did. It’s easy to feel like you’re living in an oppressive society when you’re surrounded by dismal political news every day, but when you see our athletes competing against a country like China, it’s pretty obvious who has a better quality of life. Our athletes were happy and excited to be there, while the Chinese athletes looked like they were stepping out of their cages to compete for a few hours. Which, essentially, they were.

What I don’t get is … why didn’t I hear anything about this during the actual Olympics? I watched that little 66 pound girl win gold, but I didn’t once hear someone say, “by the way, this chick isn’t allowed to eat dinner.” Are there any sort of regulations for who competes in the Olympics? How is this any better than North Korea? Basically, these athletes are taken from their parents as children and tortured until they become perfect Olympic machines. But when they’re competing, the athletes are treated as if they’re there of their own free will. Like, what if our World Cup team was comprised of prison athletes? Note to Hollywood: please call me on this idea. Tentative title: “Prison Cup”.