Obama released an ad today that clearly shows how uninterested he is in moving the country forward:

My response: Thanks, Professor Egghead! You’ve got a plan for the country, huh? So that’s what you guys do, you plan things? Kinda sounds like chess to me! Yep, you and all your brain-smart, chess team buddies have got a really great plan for America, I bet! It probably involves moving your little horsey guys against the fortress looking dudes. Meanwhile, Iran is about to drop a warhead right in the middle of the chessboard! I hope those chess pieces are made of adamantium!

You say that 600,000 Americans have lost their jobs since January, but what you fail to mention, smart guy, is that your campaign is raising money hand over fist! Where are all your supporters getting that money? Do you take food stamps? Oh, I bet I know … all your supporters have extra income, because they don’t go to church and tithe like decent hardworking Americans do! You know who else got a lot of campaign contributions? Osama bin Laden!

You want to get out of Iraq, you say. What I hear in that sentence is: “My name is Barack Obama, and I do not support the troops.” You claim we’re spending billions of dollars on rebuilding Iraq, but guess what Mr. Smartula: a percentage of those billions is actually being spent on protecting the troops. Obviously, if you want to get our troops out, you do not want to spend more money on protecting them. So sure, El Genius, send them on home! You may save a bunch of money, but then you’ll have a bunch of soldiers sitting around at home, completely unprotected!

We’re in a war here with the Iraqis, in case you forgot, Smart Mr. Smarton! Do you think the terrorist Iraqi government cares about your “plans”? Iraqis only care about two things: 1) hating freedom and 2) being terrorists. But I guess since you don’t want to murder the Iraqi army that declared war on us when they blew up 9/11, you must love hating freedom and want to be more of a terrorist! Think about that, celebrity chocolate man!

We need change? No buddy, you need change … the change out of my pocket to throw down a well and wish that Sarah McPalin wasn’t KICKING YOUR ASS!

You talk about giving a tax break to the middle class instead of “showering more on the oil corporations” and blah blah blah, I zoned out on the rest. Couple of things wrong with that statement, Senator Jackanapes: first of all, anyone who didn’t grow up in a madrassa knows that there’s no such thing as an American middle class! We have poor people, and we have rich people. So who’s this tax cut going to, Mr. Shark Smart Smarty Shark? Could it be going to … Barack Sadaam Hussein Obama? Second of all, if we don’t give tax cuts to the oil corporations, where are we going to get more oil? You want “renewable energy”? Like what, some kind of magic bean that grows up to the clouds and has a giant that says “fee fi fo fum”? I bet you want to give tax breaks to the wind, so that it will blow harder to twirl your Dutch windmills and make your edelweiss grow faster, you Nazi sympathizer!

Oh, I see, you want more regulation. There it is. There’s the ol’ liberal Trojan horse. “Come on guys, we’ll make everything better … just fill out these forms in triplicate and wait twelve months and then after you’re dead we’ll let you invest your money in the free market.” I can barely get my Hummer up to cruising speed before some asshole cop is pulling me over, and you think we should have more regulation. I bet if it were up to you, there’d be one choice of telephone service provider, instead of the plethora of low-cost options we have now. And if you had a problem with your phone line? Forget it! Kiss your afternoon goodbye, buddy! As opposed to the instantaneous, high-quality service we all get right now when we have a problem with our phones. What do you want the government to regulate next: health care? “Sure Mr. Johnson, you can see a doctor … in a thousand months! And we’ll even pay for it … by taking taxpayer money that you paid for with your high taxes like France! Oh, and while you’re at it, why don’t you get an abortion?”

I don’t call you Barack Obama, I call you B. Hussein O. You know what that “Hussein” is in the middle of? A bunch of B.O., because you stink!