Hey there all my Angeleno brothers and sisters … I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but we’re having an election tomorrow. I know, it sort of snuck up on me, too … I don’t know why I haven’t seen any media attention on this. As always, there is a ton of information about the propositions out there and not a lot about any of the judges or local measures, I thought it was in everyone’s best interest if I went through the ballot line by line and told you exactly how you should think. You can thank me on Wednesday when the rapture comes!

Page 1: President and Vice President
A no brainer. Alan Keyes and Wiley S. Drake Sr.! Sure, Keyes and Obama may share a skin tone, but does Barack Obama have a lesbian daughter? I don’t think so!

Page 2: U.S. Representative 33rd District
I don’t know which district you belong to, but this is mine. The race is between Diane E. Watson (D) and David C. Crowley, II (R), whose profession is listed as “College Student.” I’d be tempted to give it to Crowley for having the balls to run (and list himself as a “II” instead of a “Jr.”), but there’s really no contest here. Watson is an ex-teacher with great experience, in particular as an advocate for the poor, children, and health care reform. You can cast your vote for her with pride.
Decision: Watson

Member of the State Assembly 42nd District
We’ve got Steven Mark Sion (R) and Mike Feuer (D) up to bat on this one. This is actually a tough one. Mike Feuer is the reigning state champion with a concentration in environmental policy, gun control, and public transportation. Sion is an attorney who wants to “rejuvenate the Republican Party in our district and change the perception that the Party is only for the wealthy and not progressive on social equality.” Elsewhere, he supports “Ending the status quo on the health care crisis, not through the creation of a bureaucratic system but by targeting those who are truly uninsured.” I’m all for a reformer, but Sion’s profile is somewhat less compelling and less specific than Feuer’s.
Decision: marginal to Feuer. But if you have Republican sympathies and are planning on giving everything else to the Dems, you could do worse than tossing a bone to Sion.

Page 3: Judge of the Superior Court, Office 72
Hileri Grossman Merritt vs. Steven A. Simons. A toss-up, but Simons said, in response to a question about whether or not trials should be televised, “The Constitution guarantees openness and transparency in our Courtrooms. Such openness reduces judicial anarchy.” That’s a man who sounds committed to doing the right thing by the people.
Decision: Simons

Office 82
Thomas Rubinson vs. Cynthia Loo. Cynthia Loo says that “Justice is not just about incarceration; Justice also includes individualized justice and consideration of rehabilitation.” Rubinson says “Base rulings on the facts and the rule of law, not any political agenda.” I go for the one who mentions rehabilitation, ’cause our prisons are overflowing.
Decision: Loo

Office 84
Lori-Ann C. Jones vs. Pat Connolly. They are almost exactly the same candidate, except Lori’s a woman, and Pat’s a man.
Decision: vote your gender

Office 94
C. Edward Mack vs. Michael J. O’ Gara. O’ Gara wants to keep criminals off the street, while Mack wants to “establish a mental health court/diversion program.” I admire ambition. Plus, he’s endorsed by the Democratic party, and he’s the Mack.
Decision: Mack

Office 154
Michael V. Jesic vs. Rocky L. Crabb. Michael Jesic couldn’t even be bothered to supply a political philosophy to the voting guide, so he’s out. Plus: ROCKY FUCKING CRABB!!!
Decision: ROCKY CRABB! ROCKY CRABB!

Page 4: State Measure 1A
High-Speed Passenger Train
The more public transportation, the better. How are we gonna pay for it? Who cares! Bring on the bullet trains!
Decision: yes

2
Standards for Confining Farm Animals.
This is kind of a toss-up. The truth is, no matter how much room we give them in their cages, these animals are still caged, and their lives still suck ass. It might send a message, but it might also have a big impact on the small farmer.
Decision: your call

3
Children’s Hospital Bond Act
This is some bullshit put on the ballot by wealthy hospitals.
Decision: nope

4
Waiting Periods and Parental Notification for Abortions
Yeah, right. If I had to inform my parents every time my girl’s got abortions, I’d have like 100 kids.
Decision: no

5
Nonviolent Drug Offenses Rehabilitation
Sends drug users to rehab instead of prison. The war on drugs is a complete farce.
Decision: an emphatic YES

6-11
These are all complete bullshit, ESPECIALLY 8.
Decision: straight no’s

Page 6: State Measure 12
Veterans’ Bond Act
It’s not bad in principle. It would provide bonds to Iraq & Afghanistan war veterans to help finance homes. It just extends benefits that have already been provided to veterans of previous wars. It’s a great thing to do for our soldiers, but in this economy, can we afford it?
Decision: your call

County Measure R
Traffic Relief, Rail Extensions, Reduce Foreign Oil Dependence
I hate these tricky-named proposals! The “fors” say it’s going to improve our public transportation; however, the fors have titles like “CEO” and “businessman.” The “againsts” say it’s an ill-conceived plan by moneyed interests. When in doubt on budget proposals, vote no.
Decision: no

J
College Classroom Repair, Public Safety, Nursing and Job Training
The “fors’ all work for education groups, while the “againsts” are tax-groups and libertarians.
Decision: yes

Q
Safe, Healthy Neighborhood Schools
It improves public schools. It involves higher taxes. The LA County teacher of the year from 2007-2008 endorses it. Schools deserve our money.
Decision: yes

Page 7: City Measure A
It’s $36/year added to property taxes to pay for anti-gang violence measures including job training and tutoring. I don’t own property, so …
Decision: yes

B
It asks if “existing voter-approved authorization for low rent housing be revised to remove impediments to federal and state funding”. I don’t know what that means. If you want me to vote for your proposal, please include specifics.
Decision: no

Phew! There you have it, friends. Go forth and vote with gusto.

Popularity: 6% [?]