Lindsay Lohan isn’t a lesbian! Hooray!

Lindsay Lohan has revealed that she is ‘very much in love’ with Samantha Ronson – and that she considers herself bisexual, rather than a lesbian.

This is really exciting news. People are excited. For the last two days, I can’t turn around without seeing this piece of information mentioned somewhere. I’m still not exactly sure what Lindsay Lohan does for a living … I think she was in That Darn Cat! or something? But I know a lot about her sexual orientation, and trust me, it’s really exciting. Don’t worry, fellas! You’ve still got a shot! As long as, like Samantha Ronson, you look like a 12-year-old boy.

Elsewhere, she talks about how she’s calmed down since meeting Samantha:

Before she met Ronson, Lindsay had a spell in rehab, entering treatment centers at Cirque Lodge and Promises for DUI and possession of drugs, and admitted she felt lonely. She explained: ‘I was going to clubs all the time and it was not okay. I was so alone.’

First of all, she’s 22 years old. As I always say (I’ve never really said this): if you stop drinking and doing drugs at 22, you will start drinking and doing drugs again. She’s barely had a life to ruin.

Second of all, isn’t her girlfriend a professional D.J.? How can you be a professional D.J. and not spend most of your time at clubs? Does she just D.J. around the house and live off that sweet, sweet That Darn Cat! money?

For Lindsay Lohan, “not going to clubs all the time” means taking a break on Monday mornings. Now, she goes home at night, whereas she used to just bring a cot with her.