There was a time, a darker age, when America was committed to principals like “justice” and “not soliciting useless confessions from people by attaching electrodes to their genitals.” Thankfully, George W. Bush recognized the impracticality of these principles in our war against The Enemies Who Are Totally and Completely Different from Any Enemies We’ve Ever Faced Before Ever(TM). I know it’s been proven time and again that people will agree to pretty much any version of reality when they’re being subjected to unbearable pain, but the Bush administration parsed that common fact and came to the informed opinion that terrorists aren’t “people;” they’re monsters. And everyone knows sometimes you have to sprinkle a little holy water on monsters to keep ‘em honest.

Now, along comes this jackass Eric Holder with his hopes of being the new “Attorney General,” whatever that is. And just like that, the brilliant pro-torture strategy of the last 8 years is undermined by some peace-loving freaknik who believes that all our enemies need are some teddy bears and warm hugs. Witness:

Asked just minutes into his confirmation hearings whether waterboarding qualified as torture, Holder was unequivocal in his response.

“If you look at the history of the use of that technique used by the Khmer Rouge, used in the inquisition, used by the Japanese and prosecuted by us as war crimes, we prosecuted our own soldiers in Vietnam, I agree with you, Mr. Chairman, waterboarding is torture,” said the former deputy Attorney General.

Holder and Judiciary Chairman Patrick Leahy subsequently went through a checklist of sorts as to where the legal limits of interrogation measures stood.

Would other counties have the authority to torture captured U.S. citizens if they deemed it a national security threat?

“No, they would not,” replied Holder. “It would violate the international obligations that I think all civilized nations have agreed to, the Geneva Conventions.”

Could the president, if need be, use his authority as commander in chief to override acts that prohibit illegal interrogation practices or torture?

“No one is above the law,” said Holder. “The president has a constitutional obligation to faithfully executive the laws of the United States. There are obligations that we have as a result of treaties we have signed and obligations to the Constitution.”

Sorry, I fell asleep. “Khmer Rouge”? What is that, some kind of Commie code? It’s barely even English! I’d like to see what this guy would do when cornered by some screaming maniac with an exploding shoe, as I have been on several recent Southwest flights. (I mean honestly, I know it’s budget, but could you please throw a tiny bit of screening into the process?) I can guarantee you his views on torture would turn around real quick.