The other day, I posted a post (that’s what bloggers do, we post posts) about The United States of Tara, a presumably-awful television show created by Stephen Spielberg and a bizarrely undercredited Dakota Fanning, I mean Diablo Cody. In this post that I posted, I expressed puzzlement at a line quoted in a review that referred to something as “that pubic thatch you call a backpack.”

Today, in another review (I did not take the time to actually watch the show I’ve decided to hate passionately) I discovered the context of this quote, which makes it somewhat more comprehensible. Somewhat. Apparently, Tara is looking through her daughter’s monkey-shaped backpack, where she finds a stock of the morning after pill. (First point of contention … can you really stock up on the morning after pill?) The discovery makes Tara slip into her 16 year-old alter ego, a character that talks suspiciously like every character in Juno. When her daughter comes home, the 16-year old alter-ego says something to the effect of “Mom found those pills in that pubic thatch you call a backpack.” In actuality, it was probably something more to the effect of “The Momster found those abortion-flavored Tic Tacs* in that pubic thatch you call a backpack, you Tinyurl LOLcat bloggening Tweet blogger!”

So in this scenario, Diablo Cody is drawing a comparison between a thatch of pubic hair and a monkey-shaped backpack. First of all, this tells me more about the shape of Diablo Cody’s vagina than I care to know.

Second of all, what? Whose pubic hair looks like a gorilla-shaped backpack? Other comparisons Cody considered before settling on “pubic thatch”: “that Fu Manchu mustache you call a backpack,” “that fauxhawk that you call a backpack,” and “that Steve Carrell’s chest hair in 40-Year Old Virgin that you call a backpack.” Then she finally decided, “pubic! I must use the word pubic. There is no funnier word than pubic.” And her brain-ear said, “Please, make it stop …”

*Note: “abortion-flavored Tic Tacs” is funnier than anything Diablo Cody has ever written.

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