Today Slate has an article about the movie Meet the Spartans. It was made by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, who also did the Scary Movie series and some other similar piles of crap. I saw the first Scary Movie and thought it was painful. Apparently, they’ve only gotten worse. This quote cracked me up:

Friedberg and Seltzer do not practice the same craft as P.T. Anderson, David Cronenberg, Michael Bay, Kevin Costner, the Zucker Brothers, the Wayans Brothers, Uwe Boll, any dad who takes shaky home movies on a camping trip, or a bear who turns on a video camera by accident while trying to eat it.

I saw Juno over Christmas. I did not like it. I am apparently in the minority. The film has just grossed over $100 million, which is unheard of for indie films. Even Little Miss Sunshine did not make that kind of money. So my question is — why? Why do people love this movie so much? Did anyone see it? I did not find any of the dialogue particularly clever. I did not care about the relationship between Juno and the Michael Cera character. I cringed anytime any of the characters discussed music or movies. A sampling of what the dialogue was like, for those who haven’t seen it:

Jason Bateman: I think the best time for music was in the ’90s when bands like Alice in Chains and Green River typified the grunge movement from Seattle where people wore plaid shirts and drank coffee and there was grunge.

Juno: Are you kidding? I’m the most precocious 16 year old on the planet and I know that the best time for music was in 1979 and the No Wave movement and Glenn Branca and the drummer in Blondie was named Clement Burke.

Jason Bateman: You’re out of your mind if you think that! Did you know that Mudhoney’s breakthrough 1991 album Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge was typical of the grunge movement from Seattle and it was engineered by Conrad Uno and released on July 26th?

Juno: Iggy and the motherfuckin’ Stooges, budonkadonk LOL.

Jason Bateman: May I feel your boobies?

Sarah, my dad, and I were trashing the movie when we left the theater and my mom defended it — “oh, c’mon,” she said. “It was just a cute, small movie.” Which, I would be willing to give it to someone who felt that way about it. It was just a cute, small movie is probably the right attitude for watching Juno. I was expecting cute, funny movie, so I was disappointed. But I think most audiences do not see it as just a cute, small movie … I think they see it as a heartwarming festival of laughs. The parts where Juno was speaking like a 29 year-old bad writer (i.e., pretty much everything out of her mouth)? I think a lot of people aspire to talk like that. They wish they knew how to sound that pretentious.

I dunno. I don’t get it. I do know this: here’s an article about the Juno backlash that is every bit as annoying as the film. The article is written by someone who liked the movie but doesn’t want to like it anymore because it’s up for an Oscar against serious movies like No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood. There is no place for me in this fight. It seems like in America you either love Juno for the wrong reasons or hate it for the wrong reasons. I, on the other hand, disliked it for exactly the right reasons. I win!

I don’t know what to say about Heath Ledger’s death. He’s one of the few celebrities I didn’t know personally. He seemed like an all right guy, though, and I’m looking forward to seeing him play the Joker. I will say this: it must really suck to be related to a dead celebrity. There are videos all over the internet of his body bag being carried out of his apartment. I can’t imagine why someone would want to watch a video of a random, unidentified body bag on a stretcher. And also, bad writers are allowed to eulogize you:

The cause of Heath Ledger’s death, at age 28, on Jan. 22 is still unknown, but the circumstances — naked, near pills — paint a tragic last picture of a man who had an uncanny talent for playing tragic people.

Near pills! That’s brilliant. The last time I checked, it was ok to be naked in your own apartment and to be in the vicinity of pills. Especially if he had pneumonia, as some reports have said. Thank God I will never be famous enough for anyone to care how I sleep. Chances are they’ll find me clutching my stuffed monkey. “Naked and near monkey,” the police report will read.

There’s a new video out of Amy Winehouse smoking crack. It’s about time! I feel like I’ve been waiting for ages!

I’m constantly amazed by the number of scandalous videos of celebrities in the world. You would be hard-pressed to find private video of me doing anything over the last few years, let alone anything scandalous. Are celebrities constantly hanging out and videotaping each other? And then do they get together and watch those videos? “Hey, where’s that crack smoking video we made? I’d like to see that.”

I watched The Prestige last night, which was pretty good if slightly anti-climactic and bullshit at the end. David Bowie was in it. He was shorter than Hugh Jackman, which I found surprising, because I always thought David Bowie was like 6′6” or something. I learned today that he is only 5′9”. The reason this is funny is because I discovered this information by doing a Google search which landed me on a website called, I swear to God, CelebHeights.com, which is one of those sites you can tell is just a way of bringing spam into people’s lives. But it isn’t totally a trick, because the site actually did give his height, along with what has to be the most awesome celebrity picture I’ve ever seen:

My idea of what is and is not badass has just been redefined.

“He travels with two chefs,” Oscar winner Marisa Tomei said of her Wild Hogs co-star John Travolta. “One regular chef and one pastry chef. He eats a fresh pie every day.”

I kind of assumed that John Travolta was an asshole, but clearly my assumptions were wrong. This revelation makes it quite clear that, in spite of anything you may have heard, Travolta is one cool customer. If I was John Travolta and someone was messing with me, I would just be like, “Ya know what, dickhead? I eat a fresh fucking pie every day.” Argument settled: Travolta wins!

A large part of the premise seems to be that Steve Carell is told to build an ark, and everyone thinks he’s crazy. But as we can clearly see from the trailer, fairly early on in the story, pairs of weirdly anthropomorphic animals start following him around everywhere he goes. I have never seen a single hippopotamus follow a man, let alone two, let alone two followed by pairs of every other kind of animal on earth, including breakdancing chimpanzees. On top of that, he seems to have developed a superhuman ability to grow a beard instantaneously. What logical explanation could the filmmakers possibly come up with to explain why people would not be swayed by this evidence?

I have no idea what this website is all about, but I feel pretty confident in saying that it is awesome.

Just watcho!

Q: What could be dumber than watching this over and over again?

A: Nothing. Nothing could be dumber.