From an email by Benton entitled “Uzbeks as Realists”:

A friend of mine went to the Uzbek Embassy in Vienna to get a visa and found a stack of these pamphlets next to the visa application forms:

Sup, dudes? Okay, yeah, I haven’t posted in forever. I wanted to. I really did. But it’s really hard to write when both of yours arms have been chopped off in an industrial accident. I would assume, I mean.

Anyway. I haven’t written for awhile because I’ve been working my ass off on my new project, Awkward Press. Go ahead. Visit it. Love it. Click on things. Sign up for the mailing list. There will be a lot more to see soon, hopefully. And then later this summer you will be able to buy our first book, which would be awesome, because I have spent a lot of friggin’ money on it. And yes, Mr. Harmon, it will be available on the Kindle.

In the meantime, here are some things I’ve found lately that have been cracking me up.

1. Friends Magazine
As many of you know, my day job involves writing educational stuff for kids, like standardized tests and stuff. Sometimes we have to write questions about fake instruction manuals and things, to test kids’ knowledge of functional writing. I was doing research recently and I found this awesome fake magazine on one of the state tests:

You see, it’s a magazine for friends. It’s about how there are friends and things that you can do with them and where you can find them. Here’s a great idea for kids who don’t have any people friends: get a pet! Clearly, there’s nothing sad about that. And by nothing, I mean everything.

2. Marilyn Manson: Class Monster
From a recent Rolling Stone article about Lady Gaga:

“I want to be that guy,” [Manson] says in Gaga’s dressing room, as she screens her sleekly imaginative new “Paparazzi” video, which has her making out with a studly model. “I want to be balls deep.”

Gaga laughs it off, leaning on his shoulder. Manson points to a wire hanger on a nearby shelf. “You’re going to need these for the abortion later.”

3. Cigarette Squirrel
This amazing ad was in the LA Times this weekend. (For the record, I didn’t scan it improperly … it was that squashed-looking in the paper.)

4. Eminem: Class Monster 2
In an Entertainment Weekly article about Eminem, they devote a line or two to his failed marriage to Kim, his high school girlfriend. Of course, we all know what they’re talking about in this quote. But I still find it funny that this sentence is in an article about anyone anywhere.

Theirs had been a notoriously troubled union, marked by public disputes, lawsuits, and Eminem’s lyrical fantasies about gruesomely murdering her.

Facts:

1) This is hilarious.
2) I have no idea why this is hilarious.

(Via Williamsboard.)

From Libby:

How can you blame that kid? Who could resist a snout like that?

From the UK Daily Mail:

The economic downturn hasn’t affected plans for Jordan Smith’s forthcoming 17th birthday one iota.

Despite being a plain old carpentry student, the teenager is anticipating a lavish celebration in May, with his doting mother Suzanne Dickenson proudly admitting that she has spent £20,000 on gifts.

‘I’m buying him a new, customised Vauxhall Corsa,’ she says, ‘and I’ve promised him a shopping trip to New York afterwards. I’m also going to build a log cabin next to our house. It will be good for him to have somewhere private to hang out.’

This kid rules.

Via Twitter:

(Thanks, Mark!)

Here is a picture of an otter holding a video camera.

Duh. Like, of course.

Every week, I enter the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest, and every week, they do not pick my captions. It’s a good thing I have a blog, where I am the winner every time.

November 16, 2008

December 14, 2008

December 28, 2008

January 4, 2009

January 18, 2009

January 25, 2009

February 1, 2009

February 15, 2009

February 22, 2009

March 1, 2009

Buy your own damn fries!

From Salon:

Now, with respect to Sean Hannity, I didn’t know that he had invited me for a beer. But I will take that under advisement. Generally, his opinion of me does not seem to be very high. But, uh, but I’m always good for a beer.

That’s President Obama, speaking at his town hall meeting in Elkhart, Indiana on Monday afternoon. He was answering a question from a woman in the audience, who had asked, “You have come to our county and asked us to trust you, but those that you have appointed to your cabinet are not trustworthy and can not handle their own budget and tax issues. I’m one of those who thinks you need to have a beer with Sean Hannity, so tell me why, from my side…”

The question was interrupted on more than one occasion by boos from audience members, but each time Obama silenced the crowd and told the woman she was asking a legitimate question.