Robert Reich, who has steadily become one of my heroes, has a great piece on Salon today about how the “economic recovery” is all smoke and mirrors. I am 100% in agreement and think we are headed for even worse times than we have already seen. I know absolutely nothing about economics. I never even took a basic econ class. But it just seems like common sense that if we are losing more jobs than we are gaining, then we are not recovering. Right? Reich says:

What’s pushing the stock market upward? Mainly, unexpectedly positive second-quarter corporate profits. But those profits aren’t being powered by consumers who have suddenly found themselves with a lot more money in their pockets. The profits are coming from dramatic cost-cutting — including, most notably, payroll cuts. …

The problem here is twofold. First, such profits can’t be maintained. There’s a limit to how much can be cut without a business eventually disappearing — becoming, in effect, a balance sheet in space. Secondly, when businesses slash payrolls to show profits, consumers end up with even less money in their pockets to buy the things businesses produce. Even if they hold on to their jobs, they’re likely to fear that they won’t have the jobs for long, which causes them to retreat even further from the malls.

I think we have a tendency as humans to find ways of complicating issues that are actually pretty basic. The economy is one of those things. It’s like any conspiracy theory: the deeper you get into it, the less reality seems to matter. I’ve seen multiple experiments in which monkeys are able to make better stock picks than trained stock brokers. When Wall Street sees those studies, they don’t say, “hmm, maybe we are engaged in a non-scientific pursuit.” They say, “hire that monkey!”

Popularity: 19% [?]

(Courtesy of Sarah!)

Popularity: 17% [?]

I’m not on hiatus, I’m just working. I’ll get back to you soon, blog friends. Here are some fresh old things.

In conclusion: Dinosaucers!

Popularity: 6% [?]

One political issue I’ve always sort of struggled with is my position on gun rights. I mean, on the surface, it seems like a no-brainer. People shouldn’t shoot each other with guns; therefore, people shouldn’t be allowed to have guns. But at the same time, governments will always have guns. So I can see the logic behind the argument that citizens should be allowed to arm themselves in case their own government gets out of hand.

Like, take Iran. If what was happening in Iran was happening in America right now, I think we would be seeing a far different story. Because if American citizens were taking to the streets on mass and getting shot at, many of those citizens would have guns. I can’t say it would be a better outcome, but it would definitely be different. And motherfuckers would definitely be killing motherfuckers.

After meditating deeply on this issue tonight, I decided there’s an important point that I have not taken into consideration. And that’s this: if some shit were to go down with the government, the people who would be defending us would be the members of the NRA. And the NRA is overwhelmingly filled with Republicans. So the people with the guns to defend us against the government are people with whom I fundamentally disagree on most of the issues worth defending. Therefore, when those guns are finally used, they will probably be used against me.

So I don’t know if this makes me more or less likely to own a gun. Maybe the answer is to start my own pro-gun organization for all those people like me who don’t trust the NRA or the government. Or maybe the answer is to learn the fine art of sarging so I can just charm my way out of any sticky situations.

Popularity: 6% [?]

Calm down, dudes! I know, I know, you’ve been scared. We all have. Who enjoys seeing a close friend in pain? No worries though, guys, srsly. I just received word that Goldman Sachs is going to be okay. Not just okay. They’re going to be better than okay. In fact, they’ve had their best year ever!

Goldman Sachs, however, is expecting 2009 to be the most profitable year in its 140-year history, reports the Guardian. As a result, Goldman staffers are salivating at huge bonus payments — their biggest ever.

This is my face when I read the news:

Please note: Those are tears of joy, so it’s not gay.

Popularity: 6% [?]

Health insurance is the dumbest system anyone could ever create for dealing with sick people. Insurance in general makes no sense. I can understand paying for things that you are going to use. If I buy a CD (plastic containment system for music, popular circa 1985-2005), then I get to keep that CD and the music that is on it. One does not have a similar thrill of ownership with health insurance. My insurance company won’t even give me a book listing my benefits. I am paying approximately $2400/year for a plastic card. They could at least make the cards out of something slightly more substantial, like pewter.

At its heart, health insurance is a punishment and reward system for bodily functions. According to Wikipedia, the health insurance system as it stands today did not develop until the 1950s. Before that, when you went to the doctor, you paid him for the doctoring he gave you. Now you pay the insurance company in advance for the doctoring you might get in the future, and then you pay the doctor a little bit more when he actually gives you that doctoring. What Wikipedia does not say, and what I have always been curious about: why does health care have anything to do with employment? I can understand that it is in a company’s best interest to make sure their employees are physically well. But there are an awful lot of areas where my employer does not seem to care about my health. Like food. Employers do not buy my groceries. Or sleep. I am required to buy my own mattresses and make sure I get to sleep at a reasonable hour.

(more…)

Popularity: 8% [?]

I was just writing this comment in my comments board, but it got long enough that I thought it deserved its own post. So, in response to the last one, my sister said:

# Mandy Says:
May 20th, 2009 at 5:10 pm e

Dude you’re on crack because I freakin’ LOVED IT. Every minute of it. In fact, we’re probably going to start a Crate Glee club and it already has 4 members. We’re already practicing for regionals and have been working on our jazz hands all day. You need to put away your bitter ideals and learn to enjoy TV that doesn’t involve reality or Brett Michaels. Snap.

To which her husband replied:

Mark Says:
May 20th, 2009 at 6:24 pm e

Wow you must hate your sister. And by that I mean you must hate me, because she won’t stop bitching about you bitching about Glee.

It’s her new favorite show and she won’t stop talking about it until September I’m sure.

Thanks a lot, man.

To which I say:

Woof. I knew I’d have a battle on my hands there. Like I said, everyone else in the entire world seems to love it, including lots of people whose opinions I respect. I reeeeaaallllly didn’t. And anytime I have that reaction to something that lots of people love, I want to understand how my experience is so entirely different than theirs.

Here are some other things I feel that way about: Juno (duh). Napoleon Dynamite. Moulin Rouge. There Will Be Blood. Rachel Getting Married.Radiohead (post The Bends). Firefly. That’s all I can think of off-hand. These are all things that are loved by almost everyone I know that I just do not get. I won’t even say those things are bad things. It must be me, because they are pretty much all universally beloved. I willingly accept the blame for having a missing gene in my taste compartment.

But what is that gene? What is the similarity between all of those things? Clearly, I am opening myself up to criticism here.

Popularity: 11% [?]

… and Spike Jonze has a blog.

Popularity: 9% [?]

It is decided.

(Thanks, Videogum!)

Popularity: 8% [?]

The Internets are abuzz with news about Kari Ferrell, a/k/a the Hipster Grifter. Only “Grifter” is a little bit of a misnomer, because it doesn’t really seem like she grifted anything. Basically, she’s a chick with severe mental problems who managed to get a sort-of cool job (but really, not that cool … receptionist at Vice? It’s a free magazine! I’m pretty sure the guys in the Sting were doing better than $17,000/year.) because she’s cute. She’s the anti-Susan Boyle.

Read the whole article linked above. This is my favorite part:

It was also around November that a guy named Troy was at Union Pool, the Williamsburg bar, when the bartender passed him a note from another customer. It read, “I want to give you a hand job with my mouth,” and was signed “Korean Abdul-Jabbar.” It was, according to Troy, from Ms. Ferrell. Another time, a patron at Fabine’s, the café on Bedford Avenue in Williamsburg, said Ms. Ferrell passed him a note which read: “I want you to throw a hot dog down my hall.”

Korean Abdul-Jabbar! Kari Ferrell’s the best. Here’s another picture:

Read more about it here, here, and here. The comments are especially awesome because these are all New York-based blogs, and apparently she had tried to get every hot dog in Brooklyn into her hall at one point or another.

(Thanks, Buzzfeed!)

Popularity: 6% [?]