I’m not on hiatus, I’m just working. I’ll get back to you soon, blog friends. Here are some fresh old things.

In conclusion: Dinosaucers!

One political issue I’ve always sort of struggled with is my position on gun rights. I mean, on the surface, it seems like a no-brainer. People shouldn’t shoot each other with guns; therefore, people shouldn’t be allowed to have guns. But at the same time, governments will always have guns. So I can see the logic behind the argument that citizens should be allowed to arm themselves in case their own government gets out of hand.

Like, take Iran. If what was happening in Iran was happening in America right now, I think we would be seeing a far different story. Because if American citizens were taking to the streets on mass and getting shot at, many of those citizens would have guns. I can’t say it would be a better outcome, but it would definitely be different. And motherfuckers would definitely be killing motherfuckers.

After meditating deeply on this issue tonight, I decided there’s an important point that I have not taken into consideration. And that’s this: if some shit were to go down with the government, the people who would be defending us would be the members of the NRA. And the NRA is overwhelmingly filled with Republicans. So the people with the guns to defend us against the government are people with whom I fundamentally disagree on most of the issues worth defending. Therefore, when those guns are finally used, they will probably be used against me.

So I don’t know if this makes me more or less likely to own a gun. Maybe the answer is to start my own pro-gun organization for all those people like me who don’t trust the NRA or the government. Or maybe the answer is to learn the fine art of sarging so I can just charm my way out of any sticky situations.

Calm down, dudes! I know, I know, you’ve been scared. We all have. Who enjoys seeing a close friend in pain? No worries though, guys, srsly. I just received word that Goldman Sachs is going to be okay. Not just okay. They’re going to be better than okay. In fact, they’ve had their best year ever!

Goldman Sachs, however, is expecting 2009 to be the most profitable year in its 140-year history, reports the Guardian. As a result, Goldman staffers are salivating at huge bonus payments — their biggest ever.

This is my face when I read the news:

Please note: Those are tears of joy, so it’s not gay.

Health insurance is the dumbest system anyone could ever create for dealing with sick people. Insurance in general makes no sense. I can understand paying for things that you are going to use. If I buy a CD (plastic containment system for music, popular circa 1985-2005), then I get to keep that CD and the music that is on it. One does not have a similar thrill of ownership with health insurance. My insurance company won’t even give me a book listing my benefits. I am paying approximately $2400/year for a plastic card. They could at least make the cards out of something slightly more substantial, like pewter.

At its heart, health insurance is a punishment and reward system for bodily functions. According to Wikipedia, the health insurance system as it stands today did not develop until the 1950s. Before that, when you went to the doctor, you paid him for the doctoring he gave you. Now you pay the insurance company in advance for the doctoring you might get in the future, and then you pay the doctor a little bit more when he actually gives you that doctoring. What Wikipedia does not say, and what I have always been curious about: why does health care have anything to do with employment? I can understand that it is in a company’s best interest to make sure their employees are physically well. But there are an awful lot of areas where my employer does not seem to care about my health. Like food. Employers do not buy my groceries. Or sleep. I am required to buy my own mattresses and make sure I get to sleep at a reasonable hour.

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I was just writing this comment in my comments board, but it got long enough that I thought it deserved its own post. So, in response to the last one, my sister said:

# Mandy Says:
May 20th, 2009 at 5:10 pm e

Dude you’re on crack because I freakin’ LOVED IT. Every minute of it. In fact, we’re probably going to start a Crate Glee club and it already has 4 members. We’re already practicing for regionals and have been working on our jazz hands all day. You need to put away your bitter ideals and learn to enjoy TV that doesn’t involve reality or Brett Michaels. Snap.

To which her husband replied:

Mark Says:
May 20th, 2009 at 6:24 pm e

Wow you must hate your sister. And by that I mean you must hate me, because she won’t stop bitching about you bitching about Glee.

It’s her new favorite show and she won’t stop talking about it until September I’m sure.

Thanks a lot, man.

To which I say:

Woof. I knew I’d have a battle on my hands there. Like I said, everyone else in the entire world seems to love it, including lots of people whose opinions I respect. I reeeeaaallllly didn’t. And anytime I have that reaction to something that lots of people love, I want to understand how my experience is so entirely different than theirs.

Here are some other things I feel that way about: Juno (duh). Napoleon Dynamite. Moulin Rouge. There Will Be Blood. Rachel Getting Married.Radiohead (post The Bends). Firefly. That’s all I can think of off-hand. These are all things that are loved by almost everyone I know that I just do not get. I won’t even say those things are bad things. It must be me, because they are pretty much all universally beloved. I willingly accept the blame for having a missing gene in my taste compartment.

But what is that gene? What is the similarity between all of those things? Clearly, I am opening myself up to criticism here.

… and Spike Jonze has a blog.

It is decided.

(Thanks, Videogum!)

The Internets are abuzz with news about Kari Ferrell, a/k/a the Hipster Grifter. Only “Grifter” is a little bit of a misnomer, because it doesn’t really seem like she grifted anything. Basically, she’s a chick with severe mental problems who managed to get a sort-of cool job (but really, not that cool … receptionist at Vice? It’s a free magazine! I’m pretty sure the guys in the Sting were doing better than $17,000/year.) because she’s cute. She’s the anti-Susan Boyle.

Read the whole article linked above. This is my favorite part:

It was also around November that a guy named Troy was at Union Pool, the Williamsburg bar, when the bartender passed him a note from another customer. It read, “I want to give you a hand job with my mouth,” and was signed “Korean Abdul-Jabbar.” It was, according to Troy, from Ms. Ferrell. Another time, a patron at Fabine’s, the café on Bedford Avenue in Williamsburg, said Ms. Ferrell passed him a note which read: “I want you to throw a hot dog down my hall.”

Korean Abdul-Jabbar! Kari Ferrell’s the best. Here’s another picture:

Read more about it here, here, and here. The comments are especially awesome because these are all New York-based blogs, and apparently she had tried to get every hot dog in Brooklyn into her hall at one point or another.

(Thanks, Buzzfeed!)

In researching an educational piece I’m writing, I learned that Juliana Hatfield is a descendant of the Hatfields that were involved in the legendary Hatfield-McCoy feud. Hatfields win!

There is a website called Highdeas. You know, ideas you get when you’re high. I believe this gentleman just proved that weed actually can help us solve many of the world’s most annoying problems:

Instead of bringing in a cup of butter to apply to your popcorn halfway through the movie when the butter-saturated top layers gives way to the dry, butter thirsty middle and bottom. Try this highDEA to minimize effort and maximize total butter saturation.
Step 1. Apply butter to top of popcorn as you normally would.
Step 2. Obtain a straw at your nearest soda vending machine.
Step 3. Insert straw into popcorn bag. To desired depth of popcorn. (imagine you are drilling for oil)
Step 4. Place the top of the straw directly under the butter spout. (a perfect fit i might add)
Step 5. Dispense desired volume of butter to the specific region you stelected.
Step 6. Move the straw around to different corners and depths of the bag. Dispensing more butter to each location. Until every nook and cranny of your extra large jumbo bag of popcorn is completely and evenly saturated.
Step 7. Sit down and enjoy the show. Without having to pause to apply more butter via reserve cup, thus minimizing any unnecessary distractions during the movie and maximizing ultimate stoned popcorn eating bliss.

ENJOY!!!