In researching an educational piece I’m writing, I learned that Juliana Hatfield is a descendant of the Hatfields that were involved in the legendary Hatfield-McCoy feud. Hatfields win!
There is a website called Highdeas. You know, ideas you get when you’re high. I believe this gentleman just proved that weed actually can help us solve many of the world’s most annoying problems:
Instead of bringing in a cup of butter to apply to your popcorn halfway through the movie when the butter-saturated top layers gives way to the dry, butter thirsty middle and bottom. Try this highDEA to minimize effort and maximize total butter saturation.
Step 1. Apply butter to top of popcorn as you normally would.
Step 2. Obtain a straw at your nearest soda vending machine.
Step 3. Insert straw into popcorn bag. To desired depth of popcorn. (imagine you are drilling for oil)
Step 4. Place the top of the straw directly under the butter spout. (a perfect fit i might add)
Step 5. Dispense desired volume of butter to the specific region you stelected.
Step 6. Move the straw around to different corners and depths of the bag. Dispensing more butter to each location. Until every nook and cranny of your extra large jumbo bag of popcorn is completely and evenly saturated.
Step 7. Sit down and enjoy the show. Without having to pause to apply more butter via reserve cup, thus minimizing any unnecessary distractions during the movie and maximizing ultimate stoned popcorn eating bliss.
In doing some research for a project I’m working on, I came across this fascinating list detailing the origins of 400 common words and phrases. For example, bigwig:
This term for an important person dates to the 18th century. It’s a reference to the powdered wigs that men wore back then. Rich and important men would have larger, more expensive wigs, hence the term.
Let me preface this by saying that it sucks for all of us that AIG employees are getting massive bonuses for doing shoddy work. But to me, this whole uproar is just another example of the two greatest sicknesses of American culture, that we A) have an absolute inability to put ourselves into the shoes of others and B) have an incredibly flexible sense of ethics.
The outrage started long before the bonuses. Since I am the world’s all time genius of financial understanding, I will explain to you where the outrage began. AIG is in trouble because they sold insurance, known as “credit default swaps,” on assets that they could not afford to pay. So, for example, there is a certain percentage of people who paid AIG a regular fee to insure that if Lehman brothers went belly up, AIG would pay them an agreed-upon sum of money. When Lehman brothers did go belly up, AIG said, “hey, banks, can you throw us a couple of bones? We didn’t really expect this company to go belly up.” And the banks were like, “well, we loaned a bunch of money to people who couldn’t afford to pay it back, and then when they couldn’t pay it back, we started charging them even more money … so we’re kinda not doing so hot right now, either.” And then AIG was like, “of course! It’s all ACORN’s fault!”
It’s as if I bought a life insurance policy that said you would get $1 million upon my death. Then, when I died, the company I bought the life insurance policy from said to you, “oops, we don’t have it! Sucks to be you!” This strikes me as outrageously criminal. How can you agree to pay assets that you do not have? It’s total make-believe. There’s no hocus-pocus involved, and it’s not just that we’re too stupid to understand it … AIG told people they would give them money that they could not afford to give in order to collect money from those people. If this is how insurance regularly works, then the problem starts with the very concept of insurance. If I take $20/month from you with the promise that I will give you something that I myself do not own, then I have simply stolen $20/month from you.
So that’s point one, that all of AIG should already be in jail. They should just build a jail around AIG headquarters and let the rest of us go about our business. Point two is that these bonuses aren’t going to some nebulous entity, they’re going to individuals. If I have a contract with my employer that says I will get a certain bonus regardless of my performance, then the employer is required to fulfill the terms of that contract. No matter how odious it may seem in light of our current financial situation, a rule is a fucking rule. Even a terrorist is innocent until proven guilty, and a contract is a legally binding agreement. For a country that tends to see everything in black and white, we sure don’t seem to get these concepts.
And what if that was your contract? Are you going to be the one to fall on your sword and say, “hey, boss, don’t give me that bonus! Distribute it among the American people!” Your entire life, America has been telling you, “you are on your own. You must take everything you can get, because if you don’t, someone else will take it first. There is no connection between you and your neighbors. Buy a house with an adjustable-rate mortgage and build a fence around it so that you don’t have to look at them.” We’re not freaking hippie-loving, community-activating socialists, for chrissakes! This is how things are supposed to work!
Yeah, it would be nice if people were not paid massive amounts of money to do things that harmed our economy, our country, and our environment. But I sure have never worked at a company where the smartest and most ethical people were the ones who rose to the top. We’ve all been wronged by a system that discourages ethics and values, and to seek revenge against the employees of AIG seems like just another example of us wasting energy on fixing the wrong problem.
When did people start to think of brands as their friends? In the 50s, were there mad flame wars in the Penny Saver between Westinghouse fanatics and Frigidaire obsessives? Sometimes I wish we could return to a time when you bought the thing you could afford that did the thing you needed it to do and didn’t consider it part of your identity.
Case in point: today on Engadget they have a special “first look and unboxing” report on the new iMac. Because dudes who love Apple products like to fetishize every square inch of the world Apple has created, from the actual computer to the box it came in. I admit, the genius of Apple’s packaging design can sometimes be mind-boggling. Like this:
Do you see? Do you see what they did there? That’s 12 oblong holes in that piece of Styrofoam! Remember when the last generation iMac shipped with 10 oblong holes and you were like, “they can’t possibly put any more holes in that motherfucker!” Well, they did it, homes!
Voters in Los Angeles will notice a funny difference between this latest primary ballot and those from years past. In order to get his budget passed, Schwarzenegger agreed to remove candidates’ political parties from the primary ballot. Basically, the tiny amount of information we can generally glean from ballots is now reduced to zero. The only information listed is (are?) the candidates’ professions and nicknames. For instance, Villaraigosa’s competition includes Bruce Darian, a “General Contractor” and professional “Whistleblower”, Phil Jennerjahn, an “Entertainer,” and David “Zuma Dogg” Saltsburg, a “Badass.”
Luckily for you, I have taken the time to give a passing glance at the candidates’ statements of intent. So although this voting guide is woefully underinformed, it’s at least a tiny bit better than the giant void of non-information found elsewhere. Are you ready, Angelenos? Let’s begin!
City of Los Angeles
Mayor My pick: Antonio R. Villaraigosa. There ain’t too much of a contest here. Why fight it? I don’t know that Villaraigosa is doing that outstanding a job, but his competition is pretty lackluster. If you want to exercise your freedom, though, I would recommend a vote for my man Zuma Dogg. I like this guy’s passion:
City Attorney My pick: Noel Weiss. This one’s somewhat of a toss up between Weiss and Carmen Trutanich. Weiss’s bio stresses his accomplishments in the field of housing, while Trutanich talks about his environmental advocacy. What won me over was this statement of Weiss’s site: My governance philosophy is one of ‘smart governance’ – What I call the `Five-P’s’ of Governance. No program or policy should be implemented unless it is (1) Practical, (2) Pro-active, (3) Positive, (4) Progressive, and (5) Principled.
Controller My pick: Wendy Greuel. The other two candidates seem focused on business interests, while Greuel plans to “Fight to ensure that Los Angeles becomes the greenest and cleanest big city in the United States.” She’s got the experience as a City Councilwoman … give it to her.
Los Angeles Community College District
These races have no impact on most of our lives. However, we do get to vote on them. And if there’s one thing that pisses me off when it comes to elections, it’s candidates who don’t supply their biographical information to the League of Women Voters. I mean, really. It’s the least you can do. So please join me in punishing those who were too lazy to give the voters the information they need to make an informed decision.
Member of the Board of Trustees, Seat No. 2 My pick: Angela J. Reddock: Only two candidates who supplied their bios – Art Sims and Angela J. Reddock. Reddock has great experience and seems committed to the cause.
Member of the Board of Trustees, Seat No. 4 My pick: Kelly Candaele. Candaele writes for The Nation. Automatic win.
Member of the Board of Trustees, Seat No. 6 My pick: Jane Ardigo Scott. She wrote a position paper entitled “Generally 5.5% voter turn out for the Community College Election” which says “Holding a political office was NEVER intended to be a life long career. Therefore, I am asking for your support to replace an incumbent on the present Board.” Ask and ye shall receive.
Member of the Board of Trustees, Seat No. 7 My pick: Miguel Santiago. Endorsed by the Sierra Club.
City of Los Angeles Measures
I’m voting yes on all. Measure A proposes to hire an independent assessor to make sure the Fire Department is running well. Sounds good. Measure B is in favor of solar energy development. Despite Zuma Dogg’s displeasure with the measure, it sounds like a good goal to me. Measures C and D have no opponents, so they get an automatic win. Measure E just proposes that we change the city charter to allow the city to give incentives to businesses. I would hate for them to use it for corporate welfare, but it seems like a right a city should be allowed to have.
I was having an argument with my friend Josh about whether or not Patrick Stewart is gay. (Spoiler alert: he isn’t.) But so I typed “is Patrick Stewart gay” into Google, and this is the awesome discussion that came up.
Evil_Eyes says: I am currently having a disagreement with my SO and his dad about Patrick Stewart. They claim that he is gay, I say that he is not with proof that he has had 2 wifes and as of 2004 a 25 yo girlfriend. They countered with a paper that was written for Penn State which I guess was written as a thesis paper, I am currently trying to find it.
Brillo Bee says: Who is writing a thesis about whether or not Patrick Stewart is gay?
