I am finally finishing up this spelling book that I’ve been working on for the last couple of months. Pasted below is an example of the things I must write to appeal to the youth of today. I tell you this not to frighten, but to enlighten.

In 2007 alone, over 100 new words and phrases were added to the Merriam-Webster Collegiate dictionary, including smackdown (the act of bringing down an opponent), crunk (a rap style known for hard driving rhythms / slang for “partying like crazy”) and ginormous (ridiculously huge). In this chapter, we’ll be taking a look at words that have come into English from a ginormous variety of sources, including foreign words, old words that are being used in new ways, and brand new words that are just joining the language. Before we get crunk with spelling, let’s see if you can’t put the smackdown on this pretest!

From Matt:

Stupidest line in a science article I have ever read:

“But few scientists have tried to see whether bats have a discernible influence on insect populations. Further, because bats fly around at night, scientists sometimes forget about them entirely.”

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Just like cops sometimes forget about robbers!

The guy who rang me up at Subway was wearing a bracelet that read “Meth Free.” That explains why he was so freaking slow. (Rim shot.)

Ya’ know, I realize that we’re in the grips of a crystal meth “epidemic,” but I really can’t condone wearing a bracelet to tell the world that you’re not into something. There are a million things I’m not into, but you don’t see me advertising them on my wrist. Maybe I should get a bracelet that says “Chlamydia Free” or “Juno Free”.

Most likely, the only person who would wear a bracelet that said “Meth Free” would be someone who was once “Meth Full.” If that’s the case, I would much rather he wore a bracelet that read “Former Meth Addict.” A person who wears a bracelet that says “Meth Free” expects people to say, “hey, good job on not doing meth!” When what they should be saying, if he were honest, is “hey, why did you ever try meth in the first place, you egocentric retard?” It’s like expecting people to be impressed that you have the ability to deny your basest impulses.

Well, at no time today did I take off my clothes and fondle myself in public, so I think I am equally deserving of praise. Maybe if I had told the “Meth Free” guy this he would have thrown in a free cookie.

Arthur C. Clarke died yesterday. I’ve never read anything by him. I don’t think anyone has. He’s the science-fiction writer that everyone loves to mention but no one has ever read.

Here is the picture that’s been attached to most of his obituaries:

That is exactly what I want my science-fiction writers to look like. I bet he got that shirt on one of his spice-trading missions to Mars.

This weekend I went to a barbecue and David Wain was there. He directed & wrote Wet Hot American Summer and The Ten. It is the first time I’ve seen someone I knew from the movies at a party in L.A. I was introduced to him and I said, “I know your movies, actually. I’m a big fan of Wet, Hot, American Summer.” And he said, “oh, cool,” in that kind of “get this stalker away from me” voice. I thought I played it pretty cool, but maybe people who make movies are used to being harassed by geeks. Or maybe I shouldn’t have tried to kiss him … whatever, I thought he’d find it flattering.

The only other interaction I had with him was when I was talking to another guy who asked me to name an 8 letter word with only one vowel. David Wain was at the condiment table. “Strength,” David Wain said, almost immediately. In a Jeffreydinsmore.com exclusive, you heard it here first: red hot director David Wain is a trivia buff! Eat it, Perez!

I looked up the search terms “3 months premature” for a story I was working on because I wanted to know if babies born 3 months premature could live. Low and behold, babies have survived that have been born as early as 23 frigging weeks! I learned this through a page I got to from the Google Premature Baby Personal Pages. It’s a listing of about 50 personal websites for premature babies and the parents of premature babies. There is an oasis of information out there for preemies and the people who love them.

This Google Directory view is interesting. Click through the topics and eventually you’ll get to an area called “personal pages” that takes you to the pages of ordinary Americans who have something they want to share. Here are the personal pages listed under the Humor/Bizarre category, and here are some websites for evil geniuses. The best thing I’ve found, and quite possible the best thing I’ve ever found, is the Dull Men’s Club.

People who are so obsessed with me that they’ve combed through my blog and read every post (I’m talking to you, Zooey Deschanel!) will know that I am not a big fan of pseduo-feminist Camille Paglia. (I am also not a big fan of people who use the term “pseudo-,” but this is what happens to me when I am forced to write commentary on pretentious morons.) Today she offers another beautiful example of why people who have spent their entire lives in academia should never be given pencils:

Obama has seemed tentative in countering the Clintons’ trademark mudslinging, but perhaps coolness and poise are what the nation needs after eight years of George W. Bush’s lurching braggadocio. Obama hasn’t figured out how to stay classy while delivering wicked stiletto thrusts — a talent mastered in spades by British politicians produced by the Oxbridge debate culture.

Wha? I’m with her through the beginning … Obama keeps it cool … but what the Hell is that last part? There is nothing in the rest of the article about British politicians or “Oxbridge debate culture.” Obama did not go to Oxbridge, and he is not British. This is among the more random non-sequiturs I have ever seen in print. Its sole reason for existing is to let us know that Camille Paglia knows there is a school called Oxbridge in England where people who might later become British politicans debate one another. Here is my insider music equivalent:

Madonna hasn’t figured out how to appear interesting to music snobs — a talent mastered in spades by members of the seminal 60s bands Moby Grape and the 13th Floor Elevators.

You see how that works? You have not learned anything new about Madonna, but at least you know that I’ve heard of Moby Grape and the 13th Floor Elevators. Here’s another one:

Cereal doesn’t ever seem to stay crispy in milk — a talent mastered in spades by well-charred horse meat.

Today, the inevitable article about the Diablo Cody backlash and the motivations behind it. Okay, I know yesterday I claimed to be seething with jealousy, but that was just a joke. It would be like being jealous of Josh Groban … sure, seems like he makes good money, but it comes with the price of having to be Josh Groban. I have no interest in being Diablo Cody, let’s get that straight. I don’t want to be known because I’m a former stripper, I want to be known because I’m the greatest living stripper in the world.

Garfield is a never-ending fountain of funny. The site Garfield Minus Garfield removes Garfield from “Garfield.” Brilliant.

Speaking of Matt, he got his first post on Popular Science (dot com) today. Check it out and show some respect for the mighty octopus.