I’ve been on Twitter for awhile now. I don’t mean to brag. Because there’s really nothing cool about knowing about a useless technology before everyone else. But I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with it for about a year now, and I keep coming up blank. It seems like just another in the long list of things that I have to constantly be checking.

Well, after much internal debate, I finally figured it out. The trouble is that I was trying to make it too interesting. I had to decide what was Twitter-worthy and what was not. And then I got into the state where I was constantly trying to find things to tweet about, and it made me anxious.

But all that anxiety went away when I decided to stop looking for interesting events and start looking for boring events. I have boring things happen to me all the time. So from here on out, I am only going to catalog the boring things. I will be your little oasis of boredom amidst the constant excitement of your Twitter friends. If you’d like to be bored, please follow me right shah.

Popularity: 7% [?]

According to Google Analytics, the site that tracks my visitors, I got exactly 1,000 visitors in the last month. Way to go, me!

Popularity: 9% [?]

Awhile ago, I installed this thing on the side of my blog that shows the most popular posts. This was because most of my traffic goes right to the homepage and then disappears. Even though I’m totally comfortable with writing a blog that’s pretty much just for my friends and family, I do put way more time into it than I probably should and it would be nice if people checked out some other stuff. So I figured if I put the most popular posts up, people who may not know me might come to the site and say, “this seems all right. But what’s this? He’s popular, too? I gotta get to know this guy!”

But no one did that, and the same freaking posts have been on that list forever. Partly because the list is self-perpetuating … i.e., if you put up a list of the most popular posts, people will click on those links, thereby ensuring that they remain the most popular posts. Partly because I got a lot of traffic in a one-week span of time a couple of months ago and everything from that week ranked up numbers that can’t be beaten at my normal rate of 10 viewers per day. 

So my new tactic is the randomizer. There is no order to this list. It is completely random. Click on a link, and voila! There’s a whole new list of random posts from my archives for you to read!

If you are bored today, please give it a whirl for a few minutes. And please be warned … I’ll be tracking you …

(Also, the popular posts list hasn’t gone away, it’s just been moved to the bottom of the sidebar. I’m still curious to know what people are reading. We’ll see if this random post thing makes any difference.)

Popularity: 6% [?]

I have to leave AGAIN for a few days. Secret mission. The Turkeys will be back in full force on Tuesday. Many apologies.

Popularity: 6% [?]

I am now back in the States after a(nother) 20-hour travel day yesterday. I’ll be honest with you, I’m a little foggy. Since I’m a freelancer, though, I have the luxury of taking a nice, fat recovery day to work on posting pictures and stories. I’m sure you’ve all spent the last 10 days thinking, “All I care about in life is reading a 30 page long travel journal on Jeff and Sarah’s trip to Turkey.” Well, I promise I won’t disappoint.

In other news, it’s nice to know that the economy was whipped back into shape while we were awa … oh.

Popularity: 6% [?]

Blogging will be somewhere between lax and nonexistent for the next 10 days, because Sarah and I are going to Turkey. While we’re gone, please use the comment area on this post to solve the world’s problems. I’m counting on you!

Popularity: 10% [?]

A little while ago, I installed a thing that judges the popularity of my posts and adds a handy list on my sidebar so the kids can know what the other kids are into. See it? Look on the right-hand side of your screen. No, the OTHER right-hand side of your screen. There it is!

For some reason, that Moambler post has been number one for like 3 weeks. This post is far from my A-list material. It pales in comparison to my recent Obama rant or my sweet-ass take down of Salon’s Rebecca Traister. So what gives? Are my numbers off? Is it self-propagating, that people click on the #1 post because it’s #1, thus insuring that it will continue to be #1? As an experiment, I encourage you to click on the title of this post and see if we can’t get something else on the list. ‘Cause this is getting weird.

Popularity: 7% [?]

I had to go away for a little while, goblins. I don’t want to get into the details, but let’s just say I was disappeared. I have returned now, and I will be back shortly with more of my trademark outraged posts about political situations of which I have only a vague understanding.

Also, if you’re in LA, don’t forget to mark your calender for my gig on August 23rd at the Pig N’ Whistle. 9:30 PM sharp.

Popularity: 6% [?]

I just moved my website to a new server. I read this on people’s websites and my response is generally, “who cares? What’s a server?” I’ll tell you why you care: because you no longer need to sit there like a dolt waiting for my site to load. Nice and fast now, just like the rest of the Internet.

If you come across any links that don’t work, please tell me!

Popularity: 7% [?]

Me: Where have you been, me?

Me: I have been working. Some of us have to work, you know. We can’t hang around the house and write about how the Bush administration is filled with incompetent idiots all the time, much as we would like to.

Me: But don’t you work from home?

Me: Not anymore, sucker! I rent an office. It’s like I actually have a job or something.

Me: What do you do in there all day?

Me: Write about how the Bush administration is filled with incompetent idiots. Only I do it over email, instead of on my blog. One has to communicate with others if one expects to be a successful whatever-it-is-I-do.

Me: Are you ever going to return to us so that we may all enjoy your fierce wit and refreshing honesty again?

Me: I will. I just need some downtime. If you would like to help me do my work, I will write something for you.

Me: No, thank you.

Popularity: 8% [?]