This just in! Michael Jackson had a heart attack!

One of my hopes for my life has always been to outlive Michael Jackson. Because when he dies, we might finally find out what in the Hell that dude is all about.

Update: Oh my god. I guess I just got my wish.

Wow. I’m speechless.

One political issue I’ve always sort of struggled with is my position on gun rights. I mean, on the surface, it seems like a no-brainer. People shouldn’t shoot each other with guns; therefore, people shouldn’t be allowed to have guns. But at the same time, governments will always have guns. So I can see the logic behind the argument that citizens should be allowed to arm themselves in case their own government gets out of hand.

Like, take Iran. If what was happening in Iran was happening in America right now, I think we would be seeing a far different story. Because if American citizens were taking to the streets on mass and getting shot at, many of those citizens would have guns. I can’t say it would be a better outcome, but it would definitely be different. And motherfuckers would definitely be killing motherfuckers.

After meditating deeply on this issue tonight, I decided there’s an important point that I have not taken into consideration. And that’s this: if some shit were to go down with the government, the people who would be defending us would be the members of the NRA. And the NRA is overwhelmingly filled with Republicans. So the people with the guns to defend us against the government are people with whom I fundamentally disagree on most of the issues worth defending. Therefore, when those guns are finally used, they will probably be used against me.

So I don’t know if this makes me more or less likely to own a gun. Maybe the answer is to start my own pro-gun organization for all those people like me who don’t trust the NRA or the government. Or maybe the answer is to learn the fine art of sarging so I can just charm my way out of any sticky situations.

Here are a bunch of good things that will hopefully distract you from the post below which is probably not doing any favors for anyone involved.

–Roger Ebert’s highlarious review of Transformers 2: The Loudening.

–Fake Adam Sandler movie-within-a-movie from Judd Apatow’s upcoming Funny People.

–Fake Jason Schwartzman sitcom from same.

–Stephen Colbert and Tom Hanks making care packages.

– Fascinating New Yorker article about delayed gratification.

That should do it. Now you’ll be so busy you won’t even have time to read the comments on the post below, which are wholly uninteresting, anyway.

The girl on the left is 16 years old.

Um, what?

Calm down, dudes! I know, I know, you’ve been scared. We all have. Who enjoys seeing a close friend in pain? No worries though, guys, srsly. I just received word that Goldman Sachs is going to be okay. Not just okay. They’re going to be better than okay. In fact, they’ve had their best year ever!

Goldman Sachs, however, is expecting 2009 to be the most profitable year in its 140-year history, reports the Guardian. As a result, Goldman staffers are salivating at huge bonus payments — their biggest ever.

This is my face when I read the news:

Please note: Those are tears of joy, so it’s not gay.

You have just met your match. The finest American filmmaker is now this guy, Charlie Schmidt.

(Videogum via Shea!)

P.S. Steven Spielberg, I’m just kidding. You were never the finest American filmmaker. Sad smilies!

Health insurance is the dumbest system anyone could ever create for dealing with sick people. Insurance in general makes no sense. I can understand paying for things that you are going to use. If I buy a CD (plastic containment system for music, popular circa 1985-2005), then I get to keep that CD and the music that is on it. One does not have a similar thrill of ownership with health insurance. My insurance company won’t even give me a book listing my benefits. I am paying approximately $2400/year for a plastic card. They could at least make the cards out of something slightly more substantial, like pewter.

At its heart, health insurance is a punishment and reward system for bodily functions. According to Wikipedia, the health insurance system as it stands today did not develop until the 1950s. Before that, when you went to the doctor, you paid him for the doctoring he gave you. Now you pay the insurance company in advance for the doctoring you might get in the future, and then you pay the doctor a little bit more when he actually gives you that doctoring. What Wikipedia does not say, and what I have always been curious about: why does health care have anything to do with employment? I can understand that it is in a company’s best interest to make sure their employees are physically well. But there are an awful lot of areas where my employer does not seem to care about my health. Like food. Employers do not buy my groceries. Or sleep. I am required to buy my own mattresses and make sure I get to sleep at a reasonable hour.

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Jon Harmon is my new hero. He is now able to listen to his music from anywhere in the world without having to cart it all around on a big hard drive with him. How? You ask. How does he do such a magnificent thing? Why don’t you visit his damn website and find out?

Me?

(Thanks, Videogum!)

Clearly, it is midnight, and I am just watching everything on Videogum.

OH MY GOD THE SLOW LORIS IS BACK AND SHE IS THE CUTEST THING THAT EVER ATE A WORM!!! WHY AM I SHOUTING? BECAUSE I ALWAYS SHOUT WHEN I FALL IN LOVE!!!

(Thanks, Videogum!)