October 29, 2008

I Have Lost All Track of Reality

Filed under: Entertainment, Videos — Jeffrey @ 7:51 pm

Okay. I hope you have no idea who Soulja Boy is. I’m sure anyone under 25 would read this and say, “how can you have no idea who Soulja Boy is?” But I barely know who he is and I know these things. If you don’t know who he is, congratulations! You have managed to avoid the third most insignificant moment in pop culture history. (The second being the film version of Car 54, Where Are You? and the first being the New Monkees, of course.)

If you do know who he is, then please pretend you don’t and watch this video. Afterwards, tell me if this is suicide-inducing reality or brilliant, conceptual satire.

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Aw, Nuts

Filed under: Videos — Jeffrey @ 4:23 pm

Dear Peanut-Getting Cat:

Congratulations on getting that peanut!

Love,
Your Friends,
People who love watching a cat get a peanut out of a thing.

(Thanks, Videogum!)

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Merge Records 20th Anniversary

Filed under: Entertainment, Shopping — Jeffrey @ 10:05 am

I want this. Oh do I want this. If only I had a spare $179 sitting around.

Update: Link fixed.

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Cocky No More

Filed under: Politics — Jeffrey @ 9:03 am

I’m starting to worry that Obama might lose. Why? Because the press is acting like it’s game over for McCain, and if there’s one thing the last 8 years have taught us, it’s that the press is always wrong. How many times have we heard the press asking themselves the questions (or rather, asking the questions of some meta-version of “the press” which does not actually include human writers who might have to take some kind of responsibility): “What went wrong? How did we get it so wrong (meaning everyone but me, even if I did get it wrong)?” The Iraq War, the economy, McCain’s candidacy, Obama’s candidacy, Hillary’s loss, Palin’s radical drop in support, and so on, and so on.

They’re never, ever right about anything that happens, ever. So when they start counting McCain out, you can assume they’re doing it just so they can spend the next two years asking themselves “how did we get it so wrong?” and not answering because they assume they’re talking to someone else.

“Hi, press? It’s the press. We just have one question for you: how did we get it so wrong? No, not me, us. The press. How did we get it wrong, but not me, even though I got it wrong? Why do you refuse to answer this question? I’ve been asking it for six years straight! I, the press, am asking you, the press, how you got it so wrong. What? You want me, the press, to answer that question? Why would I answer my own question? You’re silly, press!”

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October 28, 2008

Even Adorable Children Hate Fags!

Filed under: Politics — Jeffrey @ 3:40 pm

Proposition 8 is the anti-gay marriage bill in California. First of all, I’m pretty sure the state supreme court already settled this manner. I have no idea why we have to keep voting on it. Probably because churches don’t have to pay taxes and therefore have a ton of money to fight political battles that are becoming increasingly irrelevant to actual human beings.

But, here we are, and if we must vote on it one more time, so be it. I was going to vote against it, because I’m pretty confident in my heterosexuality and don’t see how it affects my life one bit if same-sex couples get married, but then I saw these absolutely snuggly-wuggable little hate mongers and decided I have to change my vote. Apologies to all my gay friends, but these kids are just too convincing.

Oh, who am I trying to fool. I don’t have any gay friends.

Update: I just tried to watch this video again, and it’s been taken down. I wonder why? I smell scandal!

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Read My Books for Free!

Filed under: CP, Knowledge, Stories — Jeffrey @ 1:00 pm

I just discovered that both my books as well as the first Danger City collection (in which I have a story) are available for free online. This is an exciting day for you, because you would have no reason to actually spend money on my books. Also, my first book, Johnny Astronaut (written under the pseudonym Rory Carmichael) is out of print, and I think it’s a pretty great freaking book that never got any attention. So read them, if you have nothing better to do and have not already:.

Johnny Astronaut
I, An Actress: The Autobiography of Karen Jamey
Danger City

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Hooray! More Earth!

Filed under: Knowledge — Jeffrey @ 5:41 am

Aww hell yeah!

A nearby solar system bears a striking similarity to our own solar system, raising the possibility it could harbor Earth-like planets.

Epsilon Eridani, located about 10.5 light-years from our sun, is surrounded by two asteroid belts that are shaped by planets, astronomers at SETI Institute and Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics announced today.

It will take more sensitive instruments — perhaps like the next-generation of planet-hunting telescopes — to determine whether any would-be Earths lurk inside the habitable zone near the star.

What the hell are we waiting for? Bring on the planet-hunting telescopes, dammit! I say instead of worrying about the economy or the environment, we take all our earthly funds, shove ‘em into planet-hunting telescopes, find us another damn earth, and then pull a Wall-E and get the hell out of here. Maybe our new planet will have pet dinosaurs!

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Class

Filed under: Politics — Jeffrey @ 5:29 am

In contrast to the post yesterday about Michelle Obama hating cops, we’ve got this from the AP:

No $150,000 wardrobe malfunctions for Michelle Obama.

“Actually, this is a J. Crew ensemble,” the wife of Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama told comedian Jay Leno on Monday on his talk show. She wore a yellow sweater, skirt and blouse ensemble.

“You can get some good stuff online,” she added.

Questioned by Leno, the potential first lady declined to criticize GOP vice presidential hopeful Sarah Palin about revelations that the Republican National Committee spent $150,000 at Neiman Marcus and other high-end retailers on clothes and accessories for Palin and her family.

Obama said she and her husband have a policy of spending their own money on their clothes. But she said she wanted to be “empathetic.”

“A V.P. pick, it’s like being shot out of a cannon. All of a sudden you’re at the center of attention, and you want to look good,” said Michelle Obama, adding she has never met Palin. “You’re living in your home, minding your business, and all of a sudden you’re on the national stage and everyone’s watching.”

Ya’ know? That’s just cool. We always thought the Clintons were cool, and then along came the Obamas. It’s like being super into Gerry and the Pacemakers, and then suddenly hearing the Beatles.

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October 27, 2008

Obama Hates Cops

Filed under: Politics — Jeffrey @ 4:35 pm

I recently became Facebook friends with a dude who graduated with my sister. He posted this strange account on his profile that must be read in its entirety:

For those of you who know me, I rarely talk Politics.

Those are private matters for the most part, but I just have to vent a little.

I would call myself a conservative as 99% of Policeman are, and almost always vote Republican, but I also know that they are all Politicians.

We are stuck in a quagmire of a two party system and the non politician, independent has no chance to change this country or run this country.

I am not trying at all to dissuade your vote, but Obama has really cheesed me off. I have read a few articles and have heard that he does not support anyone in uniform. That goes from our Military to our
Police and probably the Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts for all I know. I have heard these stories of Obama making the Police and Secret Service (who protect his dumb butt) stay out of his eye sight.

Well, I learned it well Thursday October 9th. Michelle Obama was in Clinton Twp. Mi Thursday for a rally at our biggest High School. My department had a small role in protecting her. About 8 Officers were detailed to the School for HER security. I was offered the overtime but turned it down.

One of my Sergeants, and best buddies was assigned there. He came back infuriated. The rumors are true!!!

My Sergeant was providing security in a hallway as Mrs Obama was moving from room to room for different reasons. He was told by the SS that when she came down his hall, he had to duck behind the corner and not allow her to see him. He questioned this several times to be sure he heard it right, and the SS agent (embarrassed of course) had to hide from her view too.

It is outrageous that the persons running for the President of our country on the Democrat ic side, has so much disdain for men and woman in uniform, they demand that they are kept from their view!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lets be clear. This was not in the public. This was not a Honor Guard detail standing behind her on stage in front of thousands. This was in a hallway, out of the public eye, and the Obama’s refuse to even see an Officer or Soldier in their view. The Police have to hide!!!!!!!

WHY???????????? That’s the scary question! What else is going on here?

No wonder he refuses to wear the flag on his suit or salute the flag. It will be a terrible day if Obama is elected to run our country I love so much.

It is so sad that these people are the few who we have to choose from for the most powerful position in the world!!!!!!!!!

It’s almost unbelievable!!

Thanks for letting me vent!!!!!!!!

I already heard about this straight from the mouths of the Michigan State Police that are on their Motor Unit. They were told to ‘hide’ behind the bus when Obama exited it so that he couldn’t see them. Our (the Macomb County Sheriff’s Office) Motor Unit, along with the State Police, escorted McCain when he was in town, and we were right out front, where we could proudly be seen. I don’t know how you think, but the only people I have known in my career that don’t want to be seen near cops are criminals….thats scary!

D. Abbott

What?!? Just … what?!? This dude’s trying to say that Michelle Obama made him hide from her sight because he’s a police officer? Why in the world would the Obamas want the very people who are going to protect their lives to hide? This story does not adhere to the basic principles of logic.

What’s really terrifying to me is that all of a sudden, now that I’m Facebook friends with this dude, I’m reading what real conservatives are saying … and it’s scary. Earlier today this guy wrote in a response to another old classmate, regarding Obama: “Something is clearly not right with this man and I pray he does not make it to office. This country will change if he wins, and I am certain it will NOT be for the better. “

I mean, aside from the fact that I don’t really know how the country can possibly change for the worse at this point, the statement “something is clearly not right with this man” is pretty chilling. He’s implying that Barack Obama is either less than human or some kind of crazy Manchurian candidate. How do people who think like this manage to hold jobs? This is lunacy!

Update: I have written to the Clinton Township police to see what they have to say about this rumor. From what I can tell, there is no officer named “D. Abbott” in the Clinton Township police department, but that’s just from a basic Google search. Michelle Obama did definitely visit a Clinton Township high school on Thursday, September 30th. I’ll report back when or if I hear from them.

Update II: The Clinton Township police sent me the following response this morning:

The story and email that appeared on ABC.com did not come from any member of the Clinton Twp Police Dept. Apparently there is an email circulating that purports to come from a member of the local Police Dept. where one or both of the Obama’s are speaking. The email changes only the location of the occurrence when it is sent out.

Chief Posavetz
Clinton Twp Police Dept.

I’m not sure what the ABC.com part has to do with anything. I did a search on ABC News and didn’t come up with this story. It is, however, all over the web, copied from an article at some woman named Debbie Schlussel’s website. She went to the University of Michigan and her name sounds really familiar … I wonder if I know her. I haven’t yet seen the article being attributed to any other Michigan police department … I wish I could, because I’d LOVE to post it on my new BFF’s Facebook page and be all, “suck it!” This has GOT to be a hoax.

Update III: From the comments — now there’s ANOTHER “the Obamas hate cops” rumor, also set in Michigan, also involving cops having to hide. This time, however, it’s Barack who’s telling them to get lost. Daily Kos blogger Happy Camper wrote about it right here. (Thanks for the tip, McCarron!)

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October 25, 2008

Angry Commies in Wheelchairs

Filed under: Politics — Jeffrey @ 3:02 pm

Regarding a 3,000 person John McCain rally in Denver:

Half a dozen protesters interrupted McCain several times with chants about rights for the disabled. Each time, the crowd drowned them out with louder chants of “U.S.A.! U.S.A.!”

When police led the group away, including two people in wheelchairs, the arena erupted in angry boos and catcalls. McCain held out his hands to try to calm the crowd.

There is so much going on in this story that I don’t even know where to begin. So what we have here is a group of 6 protesters, 2 of whom were in wheelchairs. And they were protesting on behalf of people with disabilities. I’d like to know a little bit more about why these people were targeting John McCain … for as much time as I’ve spent reading about this election, I’ve never heard that people in wheelchairs had a bone to pick with either of the candidates. Regardless, I would say in polite company, a pissed-off dude in a wheelchair probably deserves a tiny bit of sympathy.

But the fact that the crowd didn’t hear them out politely isn’t really what gets me. What gets me is how the crowd responded — by chanting “U.S.A.” Why “U.S.A.”? This concept is so fascinating to me that I started creating a list of discussion points in my head as soon as I read it, which I will share with you now. Prepare to be dazzled by some deep philosophical shit!

Point 1. If you chant the name of your country at a rally, you believe your country is the best country in the world. Which is a perfectly legitimate thing to believe — as long as you have something to compare it to. Imagine, for instance, the person who had never eaten a single hamburger besides the Big Mac. Not a Whopper, not an In n’ Out Burger, not even a burger off the grill. And that person was so committed to the Big Mac, he refused to even consider the possibility that another kind of hamburger might taste better. That person would seem pretty close-minded, right? And yet, for some reason, there is a great big percentage of the country who thinks when it comes to politics, there is nothing wrong with blind allegiance.

I would love to know if anyone who had immigrated to America had ever taken part in a U.S.A. chanting mob. It would make sense to me that the people who love America the most would probably be people who moved here from elsewhere, right? Because they’ve actually made the choice to leave someplace else and become citizens of America. Would the U.S.A. chanting mob agree with me? Almost certainly, they would not. Which brings me to my second point:

Point 2. Inherent in the U.S.A. chant is the idea that it’s not enough to live in America — one most also have been born in America. And if you believe that you are somehow special for being born in America, then you also believe that you were chosen to be born as you are. It is not an accident that you are a white male from Denver; it is god’s will. People who were born in other countries, therefore, are fulfilling god’s plan by being less than those of us who were chosen to be born in the United States. And by this reasoning, you could say everything is god’s will, including the time you slammed your finger in the car door, the genocide in Darfur, and the unopposed deliciousness of the Big Mac.

So then, if at the end of the day you believe that god chose you to live in America and god chose America to be the best country on Earth and god punished all the other people in every other country in the world to suffer by having to live without individual freedom in some horrible backwards place then what the hell are you doing hanging out at a rally chanting “U.S.A.”? If god is in control of every aspect of life, then why don’t you sit this one out and let god take over?

Point 3. When the U.S.A. chant is used to drown out others, the chanters are setting up an opposition between whatever those others are doing and the concept of America. So if one side says, “support the rights of people with disabilities!” and the other side responds by saying, “U.S.A.,” then you are saying A) protest is opposed to your idea of America and B) people with disabilities are opposed to your idea of America. And if your idea of America is that everything about it, including your existence, is preordained by god, then your chant is really saying that people in wheelchairs who protest your presidential candidate are against god. But hasn’t god put them there, too?

And this gets to the heart of the matter that is so mind-boggling to me. If you ask any U.S.A. chanter to explain why he or she is so pro-America, that U.S.A. chanter would probably tell you “freedom.” Yet in my conception, freedom means the ability to make choices. Clearly, your chants of “U.S.A.” to the wheelchair-bound protester is not meant as a sign of solidarity — as in, “God bless you for exercising your ability to make choices in the correct venue.” It is meant to say, “you are opposed to what we stand for, which is freedom.”

No matter how much I think about it, I keep running up against the same mental wall. There’s no doubt that these people believe god chose for them to be born as white males in Denver. If you have even a tiny bit of doubt that your birth was preordained, then you’re bringing into question the existence of god, period. Because if god doesn’t determine who you will be and how you are born, then what does? Random chance? Then you’d have to believe that you could have just as easily been born a Muslim in Iraq, thus calling into question your entire America-centric world view. Clearly, you were chosen to be born a white male in Denver.

So okay, then let’s say that god determines when and where and how you’re going to be born, but after that, it’s up to you to make the right choices that fit into god’s plans. In this scenario, people do have free will. But, dig this: if everything you do has to fit god’s plans, then anyone who chooses the other path is making the wrong choice. Wouldn’t it be a lot easier if we didn’t have freedom? God has set up a bunch of rules that we have to live by. He clearly thinks America’s the best, Christianity’s the one true religion, abortion is wrong, homosexuals are wicked, and fossil fuels should be taken out of the earth and used to run our cars. So when it comes to how we live our lives, there is really only one correct choice … and all other possible choices should be made illegal.

I guess the only thing I can see as freedom within this world view is our ability to choose things like consumer products and cell phone plans. God is totally cool with us exercising our right to choose between Clorox and Tide. As long as they don’t give any money to causes He’s not into.

In closing, god bless America!

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